Not with(out) my daughter!

Allah, Glorious is He, has elevated Muslim women by giving them rights that allow them to live a creative, balanced life filled with the joys of motherhood and family, an education and a career, financial independence and thriving spirituality, and an unconditional pass for the pursuit of fulfillment in this world and the next. Unfortunately, the reality of many Muslimat is one plagued by societal and cultural expectations, and even erroneous religious interpretations, which cripple them into living mediocre, less than gratifying lives. Unlike the times of our scholarly mother Aisha (ra) or fearless fighter Umm Amarah (ra), being a good, ideal Muslimah in our times has come to mean knowing how to cook a delicious meal, keep our house clean, and bear innumerable children, all while memorizing the entire Qur’an and looking like a beauty queen from a Spanish soap opera when the husband comes home from work.

Call me cynical, but after reading an email entitled “Ten things to hand down to your [Muslim] daughter”, I am disillusioned (outraged! actually) by the limited scope of irreplaceable and enduring life skills I am supposed to equip my young daughter with to make it in this world. In all fairness, the list did include valuable advice such as the passing down of knowledge, modesty, and a sense of self-worth.

However, let us take a closer look at some of the questionable “wisdom” tidbits:

Favorite recipes: Those who know of my near-anaphylactic reaction to recipe talks and my motto of “trade your wooden spoons for books”™, understand why I picked this to be at the top of my list. Without reservations, I bow in respect to those sisters who are innate experts of the culinary arts, who love to spend hours amidst aromatic spices to create magical meals that feed their families and the entire community at times. However, Muslim daughters in the West are nowadays more likely to have dreams and goals to pursue outside the home; they often need to compromise their ability to cook 4-hour meals like kousa mashi (stuffed zucchini) or gobi machurian, for a 30-minute quick meal that is healthy and savory, and still allows them to pick up their children and get them to karate lessons.

Housekeeping skills: Cleanliness is, first and foremost, part of Islam and is taught to our children (not only our daughters) through upbringing and high standards of personal hygiene. Agreed that keeping “a neat and tidy home” fosters a harmonious, peaceful environment in which all Muslims (and humans) thrive. However, our legacy to our daughters can certainly consist of something more substantial than knowing how to vacuum, do dishes, and dust. It’s not rocket science after all!

Traditional skills (such as gardening, painting or knitting because they are “being lost in today’s fast-paced world”): No doubt that artistic and soulful pastimes such as knitting are being replaced by video games and Facebook. No doubt that knowing how to sew a button or plant a garden can come in handy. My objection is that these “traditional” skills are just that: “traditional”, in the gender-sense of the word. The assuming expectation that our daughters will need these skills while our sons won’t is disturbing. After all, Prophet Muhammad (saw), Allah’s beloved, knew how to (and usually did) mend his own clothes and carry out many household chores.

Personally, I believe our daughters would find greater benefit in life-long lessons that bear an understanding of the generational gap that separate us, and future struggles they might face. Knowing how to cook, clean, and sew are all-important tasks, but so are how to apply for college, use an iPhone, or drive a car. Furthermore, instilling in our daughters the concept of self-actualization, the skills of critical thinking, and the know-how of being assertive can go a long way in building their self-esteem, and making them terrific daughters, mothers, sisters and wives.

Indeed one of the best lessons we can pass down to our daughters, is the ayah where Allah makes no gender distinction, which was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (saw) when Umm Amarah (ra) approached him about women being mentioned in Qur’an:

Lo! men who surrender unto Allah, and women who surrender,
And men who believe and women who believe,
And men who obey and women who obey,
And men who speak the truth and women who speak the truth,
And men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere,
And men who are humble and women who are humble,
And men who give alms and women who give alms,
And men who fast and women who fast,
And men who guard their modesty and women who guard (their modesty),
And men who remember Allah much and women who remember–
Allah hath prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward. (Qur’an, 33:35)

I am curious to see what was included in the “Ten things to hand down to your [Muslim] son” list.

Ten Things To Hand Down To Your Daughter

(1) Knowledge of and love for Allah and His Deen (Islam)

This is one of the most precious and enduring gifts you can pass down to your daughter, one that will benefit her in this life and the next.

(2) Memorization of the Quran.

No matter how little you have memorized yourself, push your daughter to memorize as much she can. Encourage her and help her to revise. It will stand her in good stead in her life and will be a source of reward for you after your death as well.

(3) A good example of Muslim womanhood.

Most girls look to their mothers for Guidance. Embody the characteristics of a strong, faithful Muslimah and she will be inspired to follow your example.

(4) A sense of self-worth and self-esteem

Instill a sense of confidence in your child by encouraging her skills, talents and personality to develop. Make her feel secure in her identity and show her that she is loved and appreciated. This will have a positive impact on her future relationships and how she interacts with the world.

(5) A sense of modesty

Instill a love for proper Hijab in your daughter and encourage her to be modest, never boastful or conceited, in all areas of her life.

(6) Your language

If you speak Arabic be sure to teach it to her so that she has the key to the understanding of the Quran. Also, if you have a mother tongue or speak a second language yourself, pass it on: a second or third language is always an asset, whether in study, work or social environment.

(7) A skill that you have

If you are an avid gardener, knitter or love painting, pass your skill onto your daughter. With so many traditional skills being lost in today’s fast-paced world, you owe it to her to share your knowledge and pass it on to the next generation.

(8) Your favorite recipes

Yes, teach your daughter how to cook! Be it from a cookbook, an original recipe or passed down from your mother or even your grandmother, we all have our own trademark recipes: pass them on to your daughter and encourage her to develop some specialties of her own.

(9) Housekeeping skills

Instill good housekeeping habits in all your children and encourage them to take pride in a neat and tidy home. Pass any tricks or shortcuts on so that your daughter is well-equipped when she has a home of her own.

(10) Your family history

Give her a sense of her roots and heritage by sharing your family story with her. Acquaint her with her family tree and teach her the lessons learned by the different generations. Hopefully, she will do the same with her children, Insha’Allah.
Enith Morillo is Associate Editor of Altmuslimah

7 Comments

  • ghina says:

    I question the utility of memorizing the Quran for men or women.  I understand that before there were books, people memorized histories and genealogy or other important works and because people died the next generation was trained to do so at an early age.  Once books became prevalent cognitive resources were not spent on memorization, since books could be referred to. 

    Similarly I think reading and engaging the Quran is a better use of time than memorizing it.  With the explosion of knowledge in the information age and with it growing exponentially, and with the access to electronic information searching, discussions etc., memorization seems to be the old way of doing things not relevant to modern societies. 

    Memorization provides ample opportunity for engagement (I hope!), so it’s important to spend time with the Quran by oneself and with groups.  I think time is the key and not the memorization. Also freeing up time to absorb and analyze may bring even more beauty to one’s life.

    I would be interested in arguments for memorization.

  • asmauddin says:

    To the extent memorization allows you to have deeper, more meaningful prayers and also lead others in prayer (still relevant for women when dealing with women-only congregations), memorization is still important.

  • Enith says:

    Although I agree with Asma in that memorizing the Qur’an still holds great value, I think Ghina has made a valid argument.  Interestingly enough, I’ve been researching how technological advances impact jurisprudence rulings in Islam.

    An example: women traveling with(out) a mahrem. Arduous journeys of months have been replaced by comfortable air travel with capabilities for instant telephone, fax, and email communication. 

    How is it decided which rulings evolve with these types of advancements and which don’t?

  • asmauddin says:

    Enith, can you send me some of the stuff you’ve found in your research. It seems like a super interesting argument. (Warrants an article from you! 🙂

  • ghina says:

    I’m not sure rulings is the right word, not quite sure why that doesn’t sit well with me.  But it does seem that guidance that covers the horizontal—relations with other human beings are candidates for review, while those that are vertical,  that cover relations with Allah are much more immutable.

  • katseye says:

    My view on learning qur’anic recitations changed greatly after reading about Umm Saad, a blind girl who grew to be one of a handful of people who knew the 10 qiraat-or types of recitation. She had students from all over, from other lands to neighbors. She had said that she knew nothing of the scholars, no fatwas, only the words of the Almighty. Subhan”allah.

    For her, it worked. For others, it may not, and this is why it’s so important to not allow the flexibility of deen be “ruled” away.

    And quickly a couple thoughts regarding the article. Would it not be refreshing to see a “top 10 list” of Women in Islamic history or 10 contributions women made to spread Islam? Maybe I should stop theorizing on it and get to work on that list…

  • Enith says:

    Katseye, yes, please do get working on it!  We have so many women who have contributed to the growth and glory of this deen.  However, women are not generally fond of “bragging” about their accomplishments, which in turn results in history not documenting their contributions.  Perhaps starting off with our current era would be best!

    Ghina, I love your insight on horizontal and vertical relations.  True that there are things that will never change, like the number of rakat in a prayer, or the number of prayers in a day. However, figuring out which ones do based on technological advances is much more tricky.

    Asma… you don’t have to ask twice! 😉

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