I often joke with my husband of three months that we are currently in transition into full matriarchal rule, and I would not mind being referred to as “Her Royal Highness.” To this he responds with amused laughter, but in truth we both know that we are equal partners in this journey. Marriage will always be a work in progress- there will be constant renewal of our intentions as we evolve and our maturity is tested.
This continual growth was certainly a take-away point of Karen Swallow Prior ‘s article, “The Case for Getting Married Young,” featured in The Atlantic earlier this month. Prior wrote, “It’s important, of course, that people enter into marriage with some level of maturity and self-possession, for one’s own sake and that of the other person.” Regardless of the age at which a person chooses to tie the knot, the need for maturity in a union has surely been a point of reflection for me in my journey so far.
Managing Flu Watch 2013:
Since the institution of marriage has no room for selfishness, I always wondered if the person I married would be able to withstand the whining and unabashed self-centeredness that inevitably follows when I catch a cold. This past winter, I decided to put into practice this whole evolving thing and behave like an “adult” by quarantining myself in the bedroom in order to contain the germs and not be a general nuisance. But what I really wanted to do was call out to my mom (conveniently located a five hour flight away), “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom…Moooooommmm!” like the loveable Stewie in the hit T.V. series “Family Guy.” Instead, I drew a neat line of demarcation to separate my germ-infected, tissue-littered side of the bed from my husband’s sanitary one, and I tried to curtail my obnoxiously loud (but relieving) hacking to a low-volume, soft hymn, if you will. I made an effort to be mindful rather than self-centered now that I am sharing my germs and my life with another person.
The Case of the Two Alarms:
When I am worn out, I want to sleep like I’m unconscious. You know what I mean- like a heaving post-Oregon Trail buffalo. However, I believe it is against Marriage Rule #45 which dictates that actual sleeping behavior cannot be revealed until five years after the couple exchanged vows. So, for now, I have to take pains to conceal the slumber I enjoyed with abandon in my single nights. The kind of blissful sleep that would have you find me in the morning sprawled diagonally across the sheets with my jaw slack, mouth wide open, limbs askew and matted hair plastered against my cheek. Since I can’t throw this Bollywood image at my beloved just yet, I set my alarm so that it rings before his. It’s more for his sake than mine, really. In the coming years I trust that our marriage will have evolved to a point where we can overlook the Medusa mornings and the scent of non-mouthwash.
Every night is NOT girls’ night:
Having grown up with one sister and a tight-knit circle of female cousins and girlfriends, every night was girls’ night for me. We watched sappy chick flicks and cooed over the Keanu Reeves (it was the 90’s) and Leonardo DeCaprios, we danced to Usher on a whim, and ate junk food as if there was no such thing as Type 2 diabetes. But when a dude wants to watch “Mission Impossible: III” on Netflix, sometimes you just have to give in. And when you see your husband losing focus while you sashay across the living room, modeling the three dress options for Saturday’s dinner party, it’s time to hang up the outfits and ask him if he wants to go to Best Buy.
The Roommate Merger:
Unlike most joint living setups, in which housemates are still individual actors, this roomie situation calls for a meeting of minds, hearts, chores and finances. And what, you might ask, has been one of the greatest sharing exercises for the two of us? The bedroom closet, of course. Well, to be precise, it has been more of a test for my husband than for me. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed organizing this space because as we all know Rule #34 of marriage rulebook clearly states: The wife automatically possesses 75 percent of any available clothing storage space. This percentage will increase by one in each subsequent year of marriage until the husband’s pants and shirts have been entirely relegated to the guestroom closet. So while I try to understand why we need a 97v 235 50 18 tire rather than just a tire, my hubby opens the closet door each morning to find my garb steadily swallowing his paltry quarter of storage. And that is called marriage.
Pursuing a mature and purpose-driven relationship requires patience, faith, and a creative sharing of physical and abstract dominions. There is a verse in the Quran that says, “And among His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find comfort and repose in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30:21) It will take both reflection and action to foster that love and compassion, and it is a path that he and I have agreed to take together. If that means he can love me in spite of the tissues and closet occupation, then we are off to a good start.
Shazia Kamal Farook (formerly Shazia Kamal) is an Associate Editor at AltMuslimah.
Photo credit: Almas Baig
