altmuslimah.com - Hijab: Inside the head that wears the crown

Depending on how you want to calculate it – legally, culturally, or religiously - my husband and I have been married for either two, three, or four years. And, in the time that we’ve spent together, I’ve read every relationship and self-help book that I could get my hands on. If I hear of a book that promises to be a twelve-step guide to unlocking the mysteries of the male mind, chances are that I’m express-ordering it from Amazon as soon as I can get to a computer with an internet connection.

Needless to say, I’ve amassed quite the collection; and I’ve found that a common thread ties all of these self-empowerment treatises together. In all the reading that I’ve done – from misogynistic rants on the proper caring and feeding of husbands (my apologies to Dr. Laura fans) to tales of Mars and Venus colliding - I am constantly reminded of the power that I yield in my marriage, and my life, as a woman. For example, the question of whether my marriage thrives or just barely survives hinges less on whether or not my husband remembers to buy me flowers after an argument and more on the choice that I make to either clearly express myself or expect my husband to read my mind. I’ve learned that unless I make a conscientious decision to stand at the helm of my circumstance as a woman who knows what she wants and is confident enough to ask for it, neither my relationships nor I will ever reach our full potential.

Having spent the past few years learning about just how much control I have over my own thoughts and life (thank you Dr. Dyer!), I am amazed by the weight and worth of my actions as they relate to my personal relationships and my own development. In becoming more aware of my right to be a more fulfilled and confident human being, I have realized that these books, and the larger self-help industry that I enthusiastically support from almost every paycheck, are in part responding to a large demographic of women who, like me, need to be constantly reminded of their own worth and ability.

Thanks to the thousands of pages authored by self-proclaimed relationship and life experts, I am now able to recognize this tendency to undervalue one’s self in women that I interact with. I see it in the women of my extended family. I see it in my female coworkers. And, after spending the better part of the past year conducting makeshift research on women in my American Muslim community, I see this character trait in the women of my religious community as well.

After months of struggling to understand why so many American Muslim women are taking off their headscarves, I have come to this conclusion: that women of all shapes and sizes, cultures, and religious denominations undervalue themselves. And, contrary to Western feminists’ romanticized notions that the stripping off of one’s headscarf is inevitably a moment of rebellion against patriarchal institutions, I have found that, a great deal of the time, when an American Muslim woman takes off her headscarf it is likely a moment of surrender to a combination of social, political, cultural, and self-imposed pressures. Rather than it being a triumphant moment in which she seeks to define her spirituality beyond the confines of her wardrobe, or seeks to distance herself from a construction of her religious identity that seeks to contain her, it is most likely a moment in which she becomes overwhelmed by the growing weight of a society that labels her as an oppressed terrorist and a religious community that labels her as particularly virtuous and likely socially awkward.

You see, if and when an American Muslim woman puts on a headscarf out of her own free will, it is a unique moment in which her private relationship with God is manifested in a very public way. Unlike prayer, fasting, or even reading the Qur’an, when a Muslim woman chooses to cover herself she is suddenly putting a piece of her religiosity on display. There is a saying that some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. Well, for an American Muslim woman who covers her hair as a personal choice, to some extent she wears her spiritual heart on her head. She bows her covered head in prayer five times a day in submission to God, and chooses to prolong these moments of prayer by keeping her head covered throughout the day.

Although women of many religions cover their hair - including Orthodox Jews and Catholic Nuns - the idea that a woman’s spirituality is a function of how many yards of fabric she wears is an interesting concept, and one that does not sit well with mainstream society. In fact, in insisting on an increased modesty, an American Muslim woman who covers offends many Western sensibilities. And, adding to her challenges, she is also placed under a heightened level of scrutiny by a religious community that imposes an unrealistic construct of virtue upon her. Her community suddenly expects her to adhere to rigid rules and regulations, and she is in turn both resented and loved by her community as she struggles to adhere to these mandates.

In the end, an American Muslim woman in a scarf really has only one place to go for solace, for strength, and for peace – back to God. The society that she lives in writes her off as complaisant to her own oppression and the community that she belongs to insists that her worth lies not in the personality that the scarf contains but in the scarf itself. In either arena she is reduced and the headscarf is misappropriated and misunderstood. As much as a Muslim woman’s headscarf is no one’s business but her own, the headscarf has become everyone’s business and is on everyone’s mind.

It is extremely difficult to be on the receiving end of such intense scrutiny. Be it the mounting pressure to get married from one’s family after an American Muslim woman hits her thirties, or buying into notions of beauty and empowerment that necessitate showing her hair, when many American Muslim women take off their headscarves I have seen that it is often because they seek to conform to another’s construction of the ideal. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that a woman without a headscarf can be closer to embodying the spiritual ideal of purity of heart and sincerity of character than a woman with a headscarf. I understand that a woman’s worth cannot and should not be reduced to a piece of cloth. But I also understand that many American Muslim women are taking off their headscarves in response to a particular state of affairs, as opposed to the choice truly being one of their own volition.

As an American Muslim woman who covers her hair, I am no stranger to the debilitating weight that the headscarf can place on our heads. And, just because I wear the headscarf does not mean that I am advocating for Muslim women to fixate on the headscarf as an indication of their worth or even their religiosity. What I am saying, however, is that we women must move beyond the tendency to make decisions that are largely informed by social, political, and cultural pressures to conform. Let us be the ones who decide what is beautiful, what is free, what is oppressed, and what is spiritual. If you feel liberated in a scarf, keep it on. If you think your religiosity is impeded by an insistence on a wardrobe choice, move beyond the exterior of it all.

If a woman takes off her headscarf, I believe that it should be a decision made in the same context that her decision to put it on should be made in – on her own terms. I have made myself a promise that if I ever take off my headscarf it will be because I believe it is the best decision for my spirituality. I realize that if I make the decision on account of someone else, or in response to a failing sense of self, the decision will not bring me any closer to realizing my full potential as a human being.

Through my research I spoke with a woman who took off her scarf because she “was tired of being different.” In the end, however, she confessed that even without the scarf her dark hair and skin still set her apart from America’s mainstream. She was, therefore, still plagued by feelings of difference and isolation. I recognized in this woman something that I often see in myself – a mistaken belief that confidence and self-assuredness are artificial realities that external circumstances can provide. Ultimately, this woman felt like an outsider with or without the scarf. Although her physical appearance changed, her internal reality, and inability to accept her own worth, remained the same.

Just as I saw a part of myself in this woman’s story, I felt a connection with every woman I spoke to who had taken off their headscarf. And truthfully the most painful part of the past year, and the time that I have spent critically engaging the headscarf, has been the incredible amount of self-reflection that this thought exercise has necessitated. For every reason that I heard for why women were taking off their headscarves I was forced to ask myself whether or not that reason was enough for me to take off my scarf. Was a desire to feel beautiful enough? How about the feeling that I couldn’t move forward in my career? Did I believe that I had somehow outgrown the scarf? Was the scarf getting in the way of me being as physically active as I wanted to be?

In the end, although I continue to struggle with many of these issues, I realize this has less to do with the fact that I wear a headscarf and more to do with the fact that I am not yet a complete person. Although I recognize that every one of the aforementioned impetuses for taking off the headscarf are completely reasonable, I also understand that I will not be able to feel beautiful, move forward with my career, or develop spiritually or physically until I recognize my own worth and importance as a woman in this society. Far too often, American Muslim women, including myself, fixate on the headscarf as the source of their troubles without realizing that a great deal of the general inadequacy that they feel is not a function of a wardrobe choice but of a greater failure to accept and love themselves. We women yield incredible amounts of power to determine our own levels of personal fulfillment and happiness. For, just like spirituality is an internal reality, so, too, is happiness. If we do not love ourselves for who we are inside and out, no headscarf or cute haircut can ever give us what we need.

Rabea Chaudhry is an artist and writer and currently resides in Los Angeles with her husband. She has a BA in Comparative Literature from UC Berkeley and a JD from the UCLA School of Law.

Samar,

Thank you for your comments. I agree that the construction of a Muslim woman’s identity and the institution of the hijab are rich topics worthy of discussions. I also agree that reducing a woman’s decision to take off her scarf to “a failure of one’s ability to accept and love oneself” is indeed “unfair” and “limiting”. I did not intend this piece to dismiss a woman’s decision to take off her scarf as a clear indication that she was suffering from low self-esteem. Rather, I was hoping that this piece would shed light on the lack of social and communal support for Muslim women in a scarf. I also wanted to encourage all Muslim women – both those in a scarf and those without – to accept and love themselves despite external pressures to conform. A Muslim woman in this country is on the receiving end of social pressures to be beautiful, thin, and tough enough to compete with the big boys. If she wears a scarf she is labeled as oppressed. On the other side of things, an American Muslim woman is also on the receiving end of “religious” pressures to be a docile, muted and contained.

In the months that I looked into this topic I circulated surveys and questionnaires, and conversed with many women in person, over the phone, and by email. What I sensed from most of the women who agreed to speak to me was that Muslim women are drowning in the pressures coming from either end of their experiences in this country. What I sought to express in this piece was that, when thinking about the hijab, a Muslim woman should cover or uncover for herself, and not for anyone else. And, it does seem that we are in agreement on this point: No woman should feel compelled to conform to someone else’s construction of the ideal - a woman deserves to be comfortable in her own skin. Hence my comment that conforming to religious pressures to cover, or social pressures to uncover is not the answer (As I wrote: If we do not love ourselves for who we are inside and out, no headscarf or cute haircut can ever give us what we need.). We women deserve to define spirituality, modesty, and beauty on our own terms.

I look forward to continuing this meeting of minds with you and with other readers.

-Rabea Chaudhry

Understanding what goes on inside the human mind is impervious, let alone a woman’s mind. After reading the astute article, I noticed that the author regarded the hijab as simply a head cover just like a hat that one chooses to wear or not to wear. Hijab is not a physical symbol of a Muslim woman, it goes beyond the physical appearance, same with all other Muslim faith requirements, this goes for both men and women. The word spirituality cropped up more than once in the article, linking it with true faith. This might be true in other religions, but not in Islam. Islam is not merely a religion of spirituality, Islam is a way of life, and for us women, hijab is one of our ways of life, challenging this might be for some of us, however, with true Iman (faith) it is considered our Jihad. We all remember after 9-11, the antagonism that was against Muslim people in general, however, it was clearly delineated against Muslim women wearing their Hijab, because they represented the face of Islam, men were not recognizable, and they were blending in with their suits and ties. During that period, I discovered new true friends that I thought were acquaintances, moms that I met the PTA meetings, leaders whom I knew from Girl Scouts, and others. These women inundated me during this predicament with their unconditional support and made me feel proud with my Hijab, the reason is that they knew me before 9-11 and I was part of their community and I was not different than anyone of them except in my appearance, therefore, they felt that I should not be prosecuted because of that. At that time I felt that I had to stay at home for my safety, yet I was offered rides, I was taken shopping, I was invited to their homes, as well as many other generous offers. Furthermore, I started my teaching career as a substitute teacher in the public school system in September of 2001. At the beginning people were wary about how to approach so most of them opted to avoid me, except for a few who found in me a hard working, conscientious, pleasant colleague, and gradually I was one of the most sought after substitutes in the district and I was bogged down with calls from teachers to sub for them. Sounds great, right? Do you think there were no enemies, of course there were people who were prejudiced and there was nothing that I could do about them, and I did not need to, because as a Muslim I need to spread peace, just as the Quran has taught me. I focused on my job and was not seeking to be liked by all. Of course, at the beginning I knew that my Hijab was keeping me isolated in a somewhat hostile environment, but this did not last long, because I was capable to let people around me who are dealing with me, to look at me beyond my Hijab, and simply address my character. The author in the article argues that a Muslim lady with Hijab, “She bows her covered head in prayer five times a day in submission to God, and chooses to prolong these moments of prayer by keeping her head covered throughout the day”. Alhamdulilah I always feel that my head is up high in submission to Allah when I am wearing my Hijab, if there are Muslim women who feel otherwise, then they need to look deeper inside themselves beyond their head covering, because if these women feel that their Hijab is an obstacle for their advancement, then after they take it off they will blame any obstacle they face in their lives on something else. Finally, I cannot agree more with the author that we need to accept and love ourselves from the inside, in order to get what we strive for.

I think what women need to do is to first examine their true inner beliefs. Many of us say we are Muslims, we are outraged and even ready to fight anyone badmouthing or mistreating the Quran or the character of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW, but we do not look at ourselves if we are manifesting in ourselves our love, there is no self questioning on whether we are respecting and honoring the Holy Quran or the Prophet (SAW). If we examine our true beliefs, and we firmly come to the conclusion that yes we are Muslims, and we do believe that the Quran is the word of Allah, and that Prophet (SAW) was not only the last prophet but the perfect example of a Muslim, then we can then establish our identity, that yes I am a true Muslim. If one establishes then i think all the rest should be easier. Because then if you truly from your heart and soul believe this then it will in you to follow the word of Allah - the Quran, and to adhere to the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) as best as you can.

For me pesonally having grown up in USA and gone to public school, I went through much inner conflict with my identity, wanting to be like everyone else and never feeling like I fit in. It was after I graduated from college, I felt life was over, I knew it was now expected for me to get married, and to me that was like the end of any chance of freedom. Not that I had much freedom in my parents home, but at least there was always a hope. I didn’t try to fight it too much, this next stage, because although I felt doomed, I knew i could never hurt my parents, no matter what.

And so when I was visiting our native country and after going through much inner turmoil, I slowly started examining myself and my true inner belief. I found that although I had struggled with much of the restrictions that had been placed on me, I really did believe in Allah, Islam and the Quran. Once I realized this I felt much clearer, because then when I heard the adhan I felt like why wasn’t I praying, and I started praying, because I felt if this is really what I believe then this is what I must do, I thought to myself if one believed in democracy then they would not want to live in communism, or to even further simplify it, if one likes rock music, they would want to listen to rock music and not country. So if I belief in Islam, then why wouldn’t I want to behave and act like a Muslim.

It was maybe 4-5 years later that I came to live in a community where many women were wearing the hijab. Like many people I had pre-conceived that women who wore hijab were too extreme, however when I was told that it was fard because it was said by Allah in the Quran, and when I went and read the Quran I also saw this. And right then for a minute I felt like, I can’t do this, but then I knew I had to. Here was something I did not want to do and found hard but I knew I had to, not to conform to any other person, but because I believed that Allah wanted me to. And the next day I borrowed a scarf from a friend and started wearing. It was very hard because my husband was so against it. No one else in family wore hijab. They all thought I was going through a phase. And I went through ups and downs, there were times when the scarf would come off, usually when visiting family. My career did suffer because of it, and for some time it came off at work. Through all this it was the fear and love of Allah that kept at me, and then it went back on for work. And even now I get careless in front of cousins and my brother in laws. But everytime I get better and better. But it is not only American or western sensibilities that are a hurdle for us, it is for many the sensibilities of our native countries’ culture and society. It is because many of them carry Islam not in its true form but on the heels of their culture and the ways of the societies back home.

All us Muslims, including myself should strive only to conform to what Allah wants from us.

While, I am not a woman; I do also notice incredible lack of self esteem in women.
In fact; a lot infamous pickup artists in US/Canada use that as a strategy to pick up women. They purposely insult women and use the lack of self esteem to score. A comedian once also commented “Women will pay 500 dollars to Cindy Crawford to get beauty tips but no regular heterosexual male will not pay 500 dollars to see Brad Pitt give advice on Male tips to more gorgeous you.”

The problem is both is eastern and western societies do not give women there due. Individual men may at some point in time but then not always either as society and learned behavior dictates it otherwise.

The problem is religion i.e. Islam was given to us to raise us out of ignorance. However, due external pressures we fail and fall back on ignorance. Women are treated as chattel is interior Pakistan. Literally punishment for mans’ crimes can be that he give his daughters to his enemies as so called wife. Basically she becomes an abused slave for that clan. Another example is; one man had killed another man then killed his 75 year old paralyzed mother and used honour killing as an excuse and did 6 months in jail. He killed his mother(this most shocking part for me) and this common in interior Pakistan.

We do not hear that khutba that Prophet(SAW) gave. He said to protect women and orphans. He meant from them form our male base selves not X,Y,Z non-muslims. Though he meant that too but to much lesser extent.

We take our code conduct from others not the Quran and Sunnah. I was talking to a non-muslim and he was receptive to Islamic theology and I said then why not convert. He said” I would have to incorporate cultural Islam in my belief system as well and I don’t agree with that and would be spurned by Muslim community at large and I would have lost my existing community when I converted.“ I argued with him that he had only to incorporate Quran and Sunnah. The problem with Muslims at large is that we need to give up our forefathers’ ways and stick to Quran and Sunnah.

Women issues whether in East or West are similar and have no real effective solution that everyone can implement easily and successfully. We can only solve ourselves if we are lucky; problems at large never get solved. I have seen pictures of starving African children since I can remember and billions have been spent in Africa and still hungry dying children every year. And they have a famine every 5 years or so.

Rabea -

Thanks for your response. Even after all these months, I find it hard to let go of your article because there is so much I both agree with and disagree with in it! I grapple with many of the same issues you mention as I try to decide whether I want to keep the headscarf on or not. I am very self-aware (also a self-help book and psychology junkie), and will not take off my scarf until I know I’m doing it for the right reasons, as I see them. For anyone to assume that the reason a woman took off her scarf is low self-esteem is extremely judgmental, and if wearing hijab has taught me anything, it is not to judge others. Before I wore it, I had a very black-and-white view of hijab and the women who wear it, but experience has shown me that things are much more complicated. My experiences led me down a certain path, but if I had lived another’s life, I may have easily done things very differently.

And so it is the judgment I sense in your article that really gets under my skin. To play devil’s advocate (I don’t mean to offend you by getting personal, so I apologize in advance. I’m just trying to make a point), I can see that you wear hijab in a more “liberal” way. If a more conservatively covered woman told you that you made the decision to wear it that way out of low self-esteem “in response to a particular state of affairs, as opposed to the choice truly being one of their own volition” (as you say), how would you feel? The faulty assumption you make is that any of us make any decisions free from the social and cultural influences surrounding us (and this btw is where I think your judgmental-ness stems from). Women’s decisions to wear hijab are based on more than belief. We are fed a particular interpretation of Islam that tells us to wear it, how about questioning that assumption? We have all dealt with communal pressure to wear it, and so how can that allow it to be a truly free decision? A woman’s decision to wear hijab is it not based 100% on religious devotion unless she’s a robot. And likewise, taking it off will naturally be based on many factors. Might one of them be low self-esteem? Yes, but even with these women you interviewed, I am sure there is more to their reasoning than that, even if they are not fully aware of it.

It’s bad enough to deal with judgment from ignorant Muslims who know nothing about the how difficult it is to wear hijab. To deal with it from intelligent hijabi women like yourself is almost too much for me to handle. If we can move beyond judging women who never end up wearing hijab, let’s now move beyond judging women for making the difficult decision to wear it and then again the difficult decision to take it off. Neither group is more guilty, nor brave, nor self-confident than the other. They all have their individual reasons that are a natural combination of their social, cultural, and religious surroundings, as well as the experiences that may either have been forced on them or taken on by will.


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