altmuslimah.com - Relationships: There are just no good Muslim women out there

I need to be honest; it isn’t just Muslim women, but the whole relationship process in Muslim communities that utterly perplexes me. I can’t help but feel as though I am wandering aimlessly confused through two concurrent tempestuous storms – that of the normal bafflement that marks emotional relationships between people, and that of the Muslim relationship paradigm, the absurdities of both obscuring my ability to progress to something meaningful.

This is exacerbated by the context from which I come. As someone who converted to Islam, the difference in male-female dynamics can be astounding. More than the physical barriers that I learned to adopt, it is the emotional ones that have proven the most difficult. Charles Blow wrote an article for the New York Times last year on the demise of dating in American relationships, where he described the dissolution of traditional dating and the shift to ‘hooking up,’ where you “just hang out with friends and hope something happens.” Approaching relationships from this background, and then inverting it to fit the Muslim experience that, even when it involves dating seems to be primarily focused on practical matchmaking, is difficult. It takes what was a personal, intimate, organic process and changes it into something that feels hollow and decidedly detached. I miss how things used to be.

I miss being able to meet someone interesting and show that I am interested. It could simply be that I have a tendency to utterly strike out, but more often than not I get the sense from many Muslim women that it is an insult to be attracted to them, that it is some way an assault on their purity of character. I miss the openness to romance and acknowledgment of one’s own sensuality. Façade, reality, or a false impression on my part, it didn’t use to be like this.

I miss finding out what I want from companionship. Nearly 60% of women say they have been attracted to someone, only to lose interest after a first kiss. While that indicator is generally beyond the pale of discussion in a Muslim context, it calls into question what other non-physical, yet intimate moments (like traveling together) can immediately tell us if we are with the wrong person, but are inaccessible to Muslims until after marriage. I balk at initiating anything because of this anxiety I didn’t use to have that I won’t be able to tell if I am making a huge mistake.

I miss “emotions getting involved” being the whole point. The knowledge that defines a well-established relationship can’t be conjured out of thin air; it requires experience. And sometimes the pain that “emotions being involved” causes is a necessary part of that. Moreover, a lifelong partnership is based on an impervious emotional connection—yet, even ‘halal dating’ scenarios seem to grapple incessantly with the frightening prospect of getting emotionally attached to someone you may not end up marrying.

What I miss most is public relationships. In an article earlier this year, Zeba Iqbal fronted the proposal that we need a “dating dialogues” among Muslim youth. This couldn’t be closer to the truth. That some reformed notions of the pre-marriage process among American Muslims is needed is accepted vernacular and heavily discussed. Moreover, that many Muslims engage in some form of dating is a reality. Yet, especially for someone like myself who came in as an outsider, these relationships are all but invisible. And this is a problem.

In a community where reputation is paramount, the pre-engagement phase of Muslim relationships is completely concealed from the public eye. Because they are kept on such careful public lockdown, romantic relationships in Islam appear either to be ruinous, messy disasters that split communities in two, or these magical fairy tale courtships. There are few tangible examples of constructive, realistic relationships from which one’s peers can learn. Is it possible to create an improved, more normalized standard if we refuse to display what is already going on?

I recognize that there are a number of both petty and serious considerations that have constructed this reality, one of the most prevalent being the danger of premarital sex and pregnancy. From my point of view, it is a rather silly logical leap to say emotional proximity will lead us from no physical relations to sexual relations. If we are going to commit ourselves to principles, we need to demand, expect, and have faith in a higher tenacity of consciousness from all of us. Why is it we have confidence that we can fight temptation in our abstinence from food and drink when we fast, or alcohol when we attend college or have dinner with coworkers, yet dwell on this slippery slope that any greater degree of emotional proximity will overthrow the entire community’s commitment to physical boundaries? We need to believe that we can step up to the plate and build constructive models while maintaining core principles of our faith.

In many ways, I feel as though Muslim communities, and my experiences with Muslim women in particular, have stunted an emotional maturation the friends I grew up with were privileged to experience. I am back to a high school, or even middle school understanding of how to navigate this process. Apart from the dearth of good German bratwurst, adopting the American Muslim dating paradigm has been the most convoluted, confusing, and challenging part of converting to Islam. Most poignantly, I don’t think it has made me a better person.

In the end, my assumption is I will become better at the game, grudgingly play it, and end up all right. Some of what I miss is exclusive to an archetype I am just never getting back. Still, I feel as though my confusion with this excessively essential element of the young adult Muslim’s life is reflective of our community’s evolving sentiments and common frustrations. Can we have a public conversation about dating without it being a bad word we must tiptoe precariously around? Do we expect to construct healthy relationship models from the secret, under-the-covers norms we have set? And in so doing, are we damaging the sensual and emotional maturation of our young adults to the point that all we can do is throw our hands in the air and say, ‘there’s just no good Muslim women (or men) out there?’

(Photo: Tom Kulbowski)

Adam Sitte is a writer based in Washington, D.C. working on civilian empowerment in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. He is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

“I get the sense from many Muslim women that it is an insult to be attracted to them, that it is some way an assault on their purity of character.”

I have gotten this as well—or maybe it just strikes me that way because I’m also a convert. The crazier part is, it’s often not a matter of “being attracted” for me, as I’m happily married already (and was before I converted—my wife’s not muslim). I just like to meet people, learn about them, make new friends, etc. However, I’ve definitely met a large number of sisters who strike me as acting as though I’ve offended their piety in some way by so much as offering a friendly “salam.”

Of course I’m more than open to the possibility that I’m just interpreting this the wrong way. Or maybe it has more to do with nationality/culture than Islam itself. Regardless, I have to say it stings a bit, and I have no idea what to make of it all. Moreover, I’m just not into the idea that now that I’m muslim, that automatically means I have to limit my platonic relationships to 100% men. I’m sure that’s a cultural thing for me, but it’s been the hardest aspect of the “conversion experience” for me to get past. That is to say: I’m still not past it. In fact, I’m not sure I really *want* to be past it.

I’ve always had a lot of friends that are female; maybe more than friends that are male, even. It doesn’t mean I secretly want to ravish all of them—c’mon. In the end it leaves me feeling utterly reduced to some Islamic gender stereotype, as though I just have to recognize that really, deep down, I want to (or would) sleep with every woman I know if given the chance and so I shouldn’t even be friends with them; that all men are like that and that’s why there is so much emphasis on gender separation. I don’t feel like I fit into that, and I get tired of being told I do (or should).

Assalaamu ‘alaykum Adam

Interesting article, very well written. Just a few comments:

As for taking it as an insult when a good Muslim man is attracted to us, this is not true. It is an insult only if he acts insulting, if he tries to do something we are not comfortable with… even if it’s as simple as talking casually or receiving phone calls from him just to chat casually.

In Islam, a woman is regarded as a pearl that must be covered and protected. Keeping her modesty is very important, so she would not want to be immodest.

If you were interested in a Muslim girl, you would have to be a man and contact her parents. Talk to her father and tell him that it would mean the world to you to marry his daughter. If you can’t do it, have someone respectable do it for you.

It doesn’t mean that you marry her the next day. It just means you can go over and formally ask for her hand in marriage. You get to talk to her and go out with her. Sure, her father or brother or uncle must be present, but they don’t have to sit at your table. When you visit her house, they don’t have to be in the same room as long as the rooms are open to each other. Allah does not say in the Qur’an “Do not commit adultery/fornication”...He says, “Do not come NEAR adultery/fornication” Therefore my brother Adam, it is not correct to say what you have said, that “it is a rather silly logical leap to say emotional proximity will lead us from no physical relations to sexual relations.” One thing leads to another, especially when a man and woman are alone.

If after the first initial visits you both liked each other and saw no serious obstacles to marriage, then you will get engaged. The period of engagement can last as long as you need to make sure she is “the one” and to make preparations for marriage. However, if you ARE sure, then it shouldn’t be prolonged for reasons of attachment and temptation.

You ask each other lots of questions during this time, and you get to know each other as much as anyone can know his or her future spouse outside of marriage. If you’re looking for “interest” and the spark, this is definitely an interesting part of the process.

Then, when you are ready, you write the marriage contract and are officially married. Mind you, this doesn’t mean that you must have your wedding and consummate the marriage. During the period between official marriage and the wedding, you don’t live together, but you are husband and wife. No doubt this is your opportunity to date, and it will definitely be halal!

The steps to marriage in Islam are really clear and simple. Heck, one of my friends (a young Muslim girl) recently got engaged to a good Muslim man. She got to know him over a few months and they got married only a few days ago. They had a party to celebrate, but they don’t live together yet. The wedding is not scheduled yet.

Even if you are a convert, insha’Allah it will not be difficult. When you are mindful of Allah and seek to do what pleases Him, He will help you. Just remember that. And remember this verse: و من يتق الله يجعل له مخرجا “And whosoever is careful of (his duty to) Allah, He will make for him a way out (from every difficulty).” [Qur’an, Surat At-Talaq 65:2]

I remind myself before I remind you.

And Allah knows best.

Salaam alaykum.

Here’s a couple of clues
(1) if men come on too strong, women will run away, that is in ANY case, whether it be ‘halal dating’ or western dating
(2) things ARE changing, slowly but surely, alot more marriage forums have opened up in many communities
(3) there is a wisdom in the rules of Allah - most surely about women and men being alone together - we must abide by these rules, it’s easy to abstain from food and drink and alcohol, but emotional bonds and physical urges are not AS easy to contain, especially when the other party is just as willing to be close to you
(4) perhaps the way that you show that you are interested is not correct, find another way, perhaps a more gentler approach
(5) frankly, if i was “interested” or “dating” someone, I wouldn’t want the whole wide world to know about it. It’s my business, why should it be public knowledge?
(6) any woman who is “insulted” by a man being attracted to her is a liar. She’s not insulted, she probably is scared and doesn’t know how to react. Be kind. Nowadays, we know too many things, women (myself included) are afraid of the intentions of men. So if it takes time for us to come around, be patient, make dua, and talk to her as a friend.
(7) I share your sentiment in that everything seems superficial, it’s all about money or looks. I cannot simply marry someone for those two reasons, I want more than that. I want a friend, a companion, but most men I’ve come across are intimitated by a woman with a job and education.

Be change that you desire.

@belladonna, scarfgirl, et al. Thanks so much for sharing all of your comments. I was trying to hone in on the reflections I have had since stepping into this world, and I am encouraged to hear the different experiences/perspectives you all have. Keep them coming!

@missmango - I think this is definitely true and we need to hear more conversation about the topic. There has seemed to me to be an over-intellectualization of sexuality in general. I would love to hear some of your ideas on the effects what you described has on this current young Muslim generation.

@haqqul_yaqeen - Thanks for the comments. I understand where you are coming from, but I am primarily approaching this from my own background - and prior to converting to Islam the idea that something like a hug leads anywhere close to fornication would be an absurd, absolutely absurd presupposition, and that isn’t a perspective one simply drops. It isn’t just emotional proximity that leads to premarital sex in this country; for instance, it is also a culture that has accepted premarital sex as a standard for half a century. I’m not sure that I have a firm idea of what dating in a Muslim community should look like, or that it needs to have a singular model, but I do believe the concern that sex could happen is far too often constructed into some inviolable impasse that prevents necessary conversations from going anywhere.

@smirza - Thanks for the thoughts - I have to push back on the idea that men are intimidated by a woman with a job and an education. I understand that what you say probably comes from personal experience, and I accept that my own experience likely is self selective and doesn’t include a reliable sample, but I have never in my life heard an American man - Muslim or not - express this view. How pervasive is this attitude? Are there any male readers who have a grasp on why intelligence or success would be anything but attractive?

Really enjoyed reading your piece!

While I disgree with your statement that “it is a rather silly logical leap to say emotional proximity will lead us from no physical relations to sexual relations,“ I can understand that as a convert, it is a leap to think that sitting alone with a woman (or man) and talking or sharing a friendly hug as a greeting will spill into fornication. We must be confident, to a degree, in the strength of our iman and our ability to resist temptation, but we do not need to place ourselves squarely in front of it.

On a different note, I doubt Muslim women are insulted when a man expresses interest, but we will feel uncomfortable/put off if he does so in a manner that seems to cross lines of modesty…ie. trying to exchange phone numbers with us or invite us out for coffee.

I would encourage Muslim men to go the route haqqul recommended—expressly say that you would like to get to know a girl for the intention of perhaps marrying her, ask her parents (or have your elders ask on your behalf) to speak to her and if you do suggest coffee or lunch, make sure to invite her siblings/male cousins along so the two of you are not alone etc.

I personally am also in favor of performing the nikkah and then waiting some time to become intimate/share a home and in the meantime spending time together without chaperones cultivating a companionship. This proved successful for me and a number of my friends! Now of course, I am not suggesting you don’t develop some understanding of your potential mate prior to the nikkah but this closeness must come from limited interactions that respect rules of modesty. The deeper friendship/love and the will take root after the nikkah.

Hope you continue to share your experiences with Altmuslimah!


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