There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.
(Click here to read Part I of this article) ()

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. ()

It has never been my nature to attract romantic love, or to stumble into it unawares. The men I studied and worked with rarely interested in me, and I don’t believe I interested them either. I was discreet, invisible, unseen, unheard. I was content with being a colleague, a classmate, an acquaintance – nothing more. It has also never been my nature to share myself with others. I have always written, but have been too shy to share it publically. ()

My marriage had taken me all over the Muslim world; to Mecca, Cairo, Kabul, and countless countries in between. I would even venture to say that over the course of my 12 year union, I experienced more “Islam” than many Muslims will know in their lifetimes. Yet, I left the relationship to dive deeper into my faith in a manner that felt more organic and honest. To some, this admission makes me selfish. To others, it paints me brave. ()

<< From the AltMuslimah Archives >> I sat cross-legged on the thick carpet in my parents’ bedroom making my way through a bowl of watermelon slices. Creases had formed on my embroidered tea pink shalwar, and had my mother or great aunt walked into the room, they would have reproached me for lounging on the floor and ruining the crisp, freshly ironed lines of my outfit. As it were though, they, along with my father, sat downstairs in the formal living room meeting with a potential suitor for me. ()

During our search for a spouse, and even once we are married and settled, we tend to focus outwardly on our relationships with others and minimize the importance of maintaining a healthy relationship with ourselves. This imbalance can manifest itself in many ways. We may completely lose our senses in the initial rush of a relationship or marriage, or fall to pieces in its painful demise. ()

Well, it’s finally happened. I knew intellectually that it would but was not prepared for when it actually hit. The first of my daughter’s friends just got engaged. My daughter is 19. Her friend is also 19. Nineteen is younger than 20 and 20 is still a baby. To say I’m having a little trouble wrapping my brain around this concept is an understatement. ()

When you hang out with single people, and happen to be single, the conversation inevitably comes around to the “marriage process.” I started to notice a pattern in the sorts of things guys complained about while using online services like http://www.halfourdeen.com or even e-harmony. While I am writing from a guy’s perspective about what Muslim men perceive as challenges when they search online for a potential mate, I firmly believe the advice applies equally to both women and men. ()

My fairy tale seems to be less Cinderella and more Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I am not the princess dreaming in her tower of love and a Prince who’ll sweep her off her feet, but the girl who wandered off in search of comfort and exploration and who views the world with an inherent practicality. I receive (unsolicited) advice these days on all the things I need to change so that I’m not too hot or too cold, too hard or too soft, too big or too small. Things that will apparently make me just right. ()

“And among His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find comfort and repose in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21)
After reading Mehrunisa Qayyum’s article, “Polygamy: A Practical Option,” on Altmuslimah, I found myself ruminating on the value of this discussion as it relates to women and their right to autonomy and self-determination. ()

“Mehr, you are a University of Chicago graduate—liberated and educated. What are you saying?” asked my non-Muslim friend incredulously. “Forget about the illegality of polygamy in the U.S., it’s just not you!” ()

Oh, Ramadan. How I have a love/hate relationship with you. I love you because it’s a month of spiritual cleansing and discipline. I hate you because I have to come up with answers for every question posed by non-Muslims about fasting. Usually, it’s something to the effect of “you really can’t eat from sunrise to sunset?”, “Is it hard?”, “Do you lose weight?”, “Can you just sleep all day?” ()

Love and marriage – it is a topic that keeps on giving. In the past few months, there were several stories on AltMuslimah and other sites echoing the need for an easier environment for Muslims to meet and marry other Muslims. In January, the Institute for Social Policy and Understanding published a report on the trends in American Muslim marriage and divorce and in February, “Love: InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women,” was published. In May, the Vancouver Sun republished an archived article from 1997 on why Muslim women marry non-Muslim men and it went viral through social media. ()

“Sorry, we’re looking for a doctor.”
“We want someone from Pakistan, not India.”
“He is too dark.”
“We have a gut feeling that he is not the right person for you.”
Do these statements sound familiar?
If you are one of the many Muslims engaged in the marriage process, it is likely you have heard similar phrases from your parents or even the parents of possible suitors. ()

In exactly one month, I will turn 30. See, you’re doing it too! I can practically hear you doing it. Something as subtle as one raised eyebrow, a slight widening of the eyes, or an uncomfortable shuffling of the feet. Or something a little more vocal: “The Big 3-0!” you’ll boom. Or “Wow, the dirty thirty!” My turning 30, it seems, holds more weight, more momentous heft for everyone else than it does for me. ()