Muslim, Bipolar, and still unmarried

My girlfriends and I talk constantly about how difficult it is for us to find suitable husbands nowadays. “We’re amazing,” we reassure ourselves, half-jokingly, half-sincerely. “Anyone would be lucky to nab us!”

Maybe we are all amazing, but there is something a little extra that I bring to the table–I have a mental condition called Bipolar Disorder Type I. People react with surprise and skepticism when I share my disorder, brushing it off with a “Oh, but you’re so normal.” I do appear normal to those who do not know me very well (although what qualifies as “normal” anyhow?). I am sweet, kind, friendly and funny, but behind the easygoing exterior, I know all too well that my brain likes to play tricks on me, making me feel like the happiest girl in the world or the saddest. The mania episodes are incredible highs and the periods of depression can be debilitating lows. I also have to contend with panic attacks and anxiety, just another extra dash of unpredictability in the already spicy emotional cocktail.

Now that I have said that, I suppose I no longer look amazing to a potential partner. Family and friends remind me that whoever I end up with will be truly special because he will possess the courage to accept me as I am. Am I pretty awesome? Of course I am! But to most people searching for a wife, my disorder is seen as a liability. Knowing this leaves me feeling frustrated and anxious (did I mention I suffer from panic attacks?).

My anxiety is only exacerbated by the fact that Muslim and Arab culture does not easily accept mental illness, often chalking it up to some sort of spiritual deficiency. I have been told by well-meaning but, frankly speaking, ignorant Muslims that if I just prayed harder, Allah would remove this trial from my life, or that my sins are the cause of my episodes of depression. Some have even discouraged me from divulging my mental disorder to a potential suitor—“You’ll scare them off!” So apparently I should conceal my illness only to spring it on my husband after I’ve already ensnared him. Ethical? I don’t think so.

I usually do tell guys when I think they are ready to hear it, but some men never are. I have had several suitors, but after discovering that I have bipolar disorder, they all walked away. In fact, I was engaged for two years to a good Muslim man, but we were both young and eventually he decided that my mood swings were too much for him to handle. I don’t harbor any resentment towards him and his choice, because my mood swings are difficult to handle when not managed properly by medication, therapy, diet and exercise.

Being diagnosed with a lifelong mental illness is enough of a punch in the gut, but only in the past few years have I come to realize the ripple effect of this insidious disorder on other parts of life, namely my marriageability. I had always assumed that by 23 I would have walked down the aisle and by 25, would have popped out one or two babies. I am 27 now and happy, but with no wedding in sight.

I decided about six months ago that even if I marry one day, it would be best if I did not have children.  There is a 10 to 25 percent chance my child would inherit my disease. Pregnancy itself would be rocky since I cannot take the medications that help regulate my moods because they can harm the fetus. I am also more likely to suffer from postpartum depression after the baby is born, and once I come out on the other end of PPD, my bipolar disorder would keep me from being emotionally available and present for my children during periods of mania or depression.

Some days the mania is so acute that I cannot stop talking or moving and can be a danger to myself and those around me. This does not happen very often thankfully, but if it did I would not want my children to witness it. I would not want them to grow up with a mother who is unable and unwilling to play with them or pay attention to them because she is languishing on the couch, depressed. And of course, this brings us back to my marriageability. I am well aware that when I explain to a potential suitor my decision to not have children, my marriage stock will take a nosedive! If refusing to become a mother is unusual in Western societies, it is unheard of in Muslim culture.

Having said all this, I sincerely believe that my bipolar disorder, the enormous black cloud that it is, has brought with it a kernel of gold–  I am spiritually stronger because of this mental condition than I would have been without it. After years of self-doubt and self-pity, I am slowly coming to the realization that God has handed me this enormous tribulation because He believes I can handle it. And you know what? So far I have. Each time an episode threatens to swallow me whole, I come out intact, “for indeed with hardship comes ease” (Qur’an 94:5).

I know myself much more deeply than most people my age. I am a braver, more resilient, more confident, and more God-conscious person because of it. If that means I have to navigate this life as a single Muslimah because a man is not willing to understand that I am much more than my diagnosis, then so be it.

Nabilah Safa lives in Michigan and enjoys reading, writing, and baking cookies.

 Photo Credit: Asim Bharwani

66 Comments

  • SiegetheSihr says:

    May Allah cure you soon. I too suffer the same but it’s due to Jinn possession. It’s worse cz its not just bipolar it has parts of it followed by complete voice change and manifestation of Shayateen. I’m 23. I never really expected anybody would marry me then I’d get pregnant. Everybody left me – alienated me except my mum and bro. But I prayed to Allah that if I have healthy children and pious spouse so that my progenny will be for Him and His Deen. I got married! I’m expecting too. It’s really really difficult both for me and my husband but guess what I’m at peace cz I know if at any time I die I’ll have legacy behind and Allah will take care of them.

    My point is don’t get bogged down with what people blabber. They will keep doing. Pay no heed. Rely on Allah only. Allah HEARS! He ANSWERS! He gives to whomever He wills! We just need to be positive and rely on Him. Do Du’a. May Allah bless you with pious spouse and healthy righteous children SOON! I’d advice that you do not decide from now only that you do not want children. There’s always hope. Be positive. Allah is the best of Planners. You’ll be definitely amazed! Insha’Allah.

    • Khalid says:

      Seek ruqyah if you suspect black magic, but don’t be quick to judge. Often people attribute mental disorders to jinn possession. You can watch this https://youtu.be/ro3kxkc7nYo see what ruqyah is.

    • Nadia says:

      It’s wonderful that you are so positive and life is going well, MA. My only thought is that it would be worth it to see a psychiatrist and therapist. I understand you believe it’s jinn possession but if you haven’t done so already, rule out mental illness first.

    • meow says:

      My dear sister may Allah give you all and i mean ALLof the blessings of this duniya and success in akhirah. May Allah make it easy for you and may you have lots and lots of children a long life filled with happiness. Allah made you an inspiration to all the sisters who are sad,depressed and about to lose hope. I thank you for sharing your story, it brought tears to my eyes and i sincerely pray that Allah gives you and your family an excellent and beautiful end inshallah. Ameen.

    • Moon says:

      Allah swt will find someone for you. In shaa Allah make dua have faith. I had a similar yet more difficult situation and someone came. Despite the odds had two healthy pregnancies off medication. Planning v good nowadays. U need help / medication / rest and an epidural is a good idea to cut stress / pain. So even children is possible. Don’t worry if they will have bipolar that’s up to Allah swt. You happy to be alive aren’t you ?? Chance not that high. If they have a stable upbringing religion. You are worrying too much. It’s not that difficult and even if it was Allah swt can make it easy

  • farah says:

    SubhanAllah this is a beautiful story. Kudos to you for having the strength to share. May Allah bless you with an understanding man who will take care of you. Allah provides❤ my heart is with you.

  • Nisa says:

    You are amazing. Alhamdulilah for you & all the things Allah swt has blessed you with, because it’s those things that make the world a better, more interesting place. You don’t NEED a husband, but I still pray that Allah swt sends you someone who can accept you for who you are and love you for all those things, too. As for not wanting children, don’t let anyone tell you your decision is wrong. Only you know what you can give & what is best for your life. Whatever you do, keep on doing you because it is working! MashaAllah!

  • Muthanna Rahman says:

    I too suffer from Bipolar Disorder. But I wonder have you not found the right type of medication regimen and combination of therapy? Bipolar Disorder is not what it used to be. There are whole host of cocktails of drugs, many pretty safe to treat it . I have been pretty stable for nearly 10 years, finished one master and working on another. Your right its especially hard in Arab/Muslim culture, essentially the attitude is “pray the crazy away” and Allah will cure you. I hope you keep exploring different treatment options, Bipolar Disorder is more than manageable in this day and age, and not exclude yourself from all that life has to offer like having children.

    ^By the way SIEGETHESIHR, there are no such things as Jinns, it sounds like reality impaired paranoid idealations, not uncommon among people with Schizophrenia, I hope you seek help from a professional and not solely depend that Allah will get rid of Jinns.

    • britishmisk says:

      As Muslims we believe jinns exist because Allah mentions them in the Qur’an numerous times. Did you mean to say there is no such thing as “jinn possession” as that is a position some people hold, including myself.

  • Janiya says:

    Jinns are mentioned in the Qur’an and I believe they can possess Humans. Please do look into it. There are many Raqi’s that do Ruqyah to diagnose Jinn possessions.
    This is a great link for more info http://www.alroqya.co.uk/

  • SiegeTheSihr says:

    @Muthana Rahman

    Are you trying to question the existence of Jinn?

    • Hend says:

      I don’t think she’s trying to question the existence of Jinn but she – and I – are trying to make you reevaluate your situation by questioning what you call Jinn possession!!!

  • Alaa says:

    Hey beautiful sister, life will be hard for all Muslims until they enter paradise, and for marriage just ask Allah to give you the best, and you will get it either in this life or in the life after 🙂

  • Mas says:

    The prophet saww said that there is no illness which God has sent for which he also did not send a cure. So keep searching and whether it’s in form of medicine or dua iA you find it.

  • Kamal says:

    Salams Nabila,

    I pray Allah grants you a good husband.. I think you should be a LOT more optimistic.. don’t be so hard on yourself.. no one’s perfect.. people marry other people with physical liabilities ALL the time.. why should it be any different with mental?! You will find someone soon insha’Allah.. just do your best to get married, make tawakul, and trust after that, that whatever happens, (get married vs not get married or have kids vs not have kids) is for the best.

  • Faiza says:

    It takes a lot of courage to share your story. Thank you for sharing your beautiful experience and your spiritual growth. May Allah (swt) bring you ever closer to Him. Ameen. I actually know a sister who has bipolar, she also got married and now has a child. She went through a lot of struggle with her illness to get to where she is. Follow her at: http://www.muslimbipolar.com

  • Faria says:

    You are so very brave for sharing your story. Your honesty is so moving and I wonder how many people you have touched with your integrity. May Allah always be with you.

  • Usman says:

    786

    Only two months ago, I have come to a realisation how perfect my life is. I owned a shirt, which said “THIS IS WHAT PERFECTION LOOKS LIKE”. People used to laugh at me, and so did I.

    I haven’t before this reality of yours read any heart breaking stories, but only two months ago, I was approached by people who have suffered, but I am 100% certain people do have worse conditions. Islam teases us when you feel like this are hard on you, look down at people who have nothing or are in worse state then you are.

    Some of you who may bother to read what I read, yes Jins do exist but we are not ignorant no all problems are related to Jins. Yes Allah (SWT) does test us but he always has some curve for us too.

    Sister you have yet to find the curve, you don’t need me telling you that. I am sure you have heard it all.

    There are many “normal” brothers who are struggling to find the right spouse. I would be lying if I said, I wouldn’t marry a woman like you. Because throughout writing this message that is exactly what I think.

    I am thinking maybe that is my test, to have a difficult life, taking care of my other half, after all Islam does teach us patience.

    I can carry on typing but it is Iftar time here.

  • Aafiya says:

    I’ve been there and done that. Marriage isn’t always what we fantasize it to be and usually when you can’t have something you want it more.
    Inshallah Allah blesses you with happiness regardless and rewards you for your strength.

  • cspdavis11 says:

    Please contact me. cspdavis11 gmail . I have a friend who also is mentally ill, well controlled, very considerate, smart. He’s a good person, and he also has trouble finding a spouse. He married a woman in Pakistan, but when they divorced, she told everyone all his secrets (not about mental illness). It was deeply damaging to him. I’ve known him for a long time. He’s a good guy. His parents want him to talk to another girl, but he would like to be your friend regardless. His problem is more ADD. Salam aleikum.

  • cspdavis11 says:

    (and it might fall apart like all their other attempts to find him a wife once she knows he has mental illness)

  • Helping Muslim. says:

    I read your post and wish well to you. I don’t know how to contact you or reach you. If you could reach me at name_me_plz at hotmail dot com i might be able to help you out. It might work or it might not but at the end its Allah who is cures.

  • SisterSoul says:

    Assalamo alaikum sister Nabilah, I have something to discuss with you,please tell me how can I contact you via email etc..

  • Rafia says:

    Nabilah, I think your decision to not have kids is very admirable. My dad has bipolar disorder and it has affected my life in a very negative way, especially since he refused treatment. I wish you a fulfilling and happy life regardless of marriage.

  • narmin says:

    Mashallah what a beautiful reality that you decided to disclose to us. I have a friend who has the same illness, and she finds it very hard. Please lets pray for every muslim/muslima. May Allah reward you with the highest place in jannat alferdaws ala3la and grant you sabr/patience. However, alhamdolilah that we are muslims and we are believers, such believe gives us hope that nothing goes for nothing. Just lets remember regardless how strong & how faithful we’re, we’re still human being but alhamdolilah that our patience, our thankfulness, and tolerance comes at a high price and that is the love of Allah. Anything we experience from bee sting to the hardest illness are all khair for us. It’s these moments in our lives that it lifts our place in Janna till we reach where we deserve and meant to reach. Let’s remember that whatever is written for us is written by the creator and there’s a good deed/reason behind it. Regardless what we go through let’s remember that there are millions of unfortunate people suffer more and go through what we have never even could imagine. Let’s make du3a for all the muslims dead and alive maybe someone who makes du3a from heart will lift all the harshness muslims go through everywhere in the world.

  • Fariha says:

    Thank you for this Nabilah. My mom was undiagnosed most of her life, and would break relationships if a person recommended her to see a psychiatrist. Only after a serious episode that led to her incarceration was she diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is still in denial unfortunately.

    Life can be difficult, but I live by ‘after every hardship comes ease’. I have an anxiety disorder and have been in therapy for years. I too was engaged to a great Muslim guy who was unable to handle the situations that would unexpectedly come and go.

    It is like a breath of fresh air to read your words. It seems that the whole world, including my family, look down upon mental illnesses, as if it’s a punishment and catastrophic to have. You have completely embraced it and succeeded in becoming a better person because of the illness. That is what I pray for my family and my mom. I normally do not leave comments, but I needed to say thank you. Please write more so people like me can learn. You are in my duas, and may Allah bless you with the best in this life and the next.

  • Jen Green says:

    All of these well meaning people telling you that you can still have kids etc will not be there when your manic episodes show up and your nursing a baby at 3 am that has colic. The average person has trouble adjusting to new parenthood. Based on the logic of some Muslim communities your supposed to get married and not use any reliable birth control methods. Instead of offering options like marrying a separated man with 1 older child age 10 plus, or a widow etc someone with experience. Does anyone in the community think it;s fair to subject an innocent to Bi-polar etc ?

    • MuslimaMom says:

      “Not use any reliable birth control”… I’m not sure where you got that info from, but you are very mistaken. Birth control methods are allowed in Islam and I don’t know a single Muslim family who doesn’t practice birth control/ family planning…

      • felics says:

        no..there are a lot who don’t use birth control.. maybe not in the west, but its very very common in asia regions

  • MuslimaMom says:

    Salam alaikum,
    Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, in the world people do not believe these things are real… Whether in the Muslim community or not. Everyone wants to act kind and compassionate but they aren’t. Unfortunately when someone has a physical disability people will have compassion, but when it is a hidden disability they won’t. I know because I have a daughter who has some diagnoses of neurological conditions. Raising her has been my biggest test so far. I worry about her too and her future and whether she’ll get married… May Allah help you dear sister to find your match in dunya and akhirah and may He guide the ummah to be more considerate and accepting. I do know that jennah has been promised to people who suffer from disabilities and I do know that itthat was the way you are wired and not your fault. May Allah bless you.

  • Muslim Sister says:

    This is beautiful and you have so much courage to share this with the world. I have a friend who is in a really bad place with her depression at the moment. I have a few other friends who have similar mental illnesses. And yet, they are some of the most beautiful, creative, and loving souls I know. Yes, there are times when you don’t want to get off the couch and face the world, but don’t ever think of yourself as a burden to someone else. Only when someone can see the strength and beauty of that inner spirit, only then will they understand.

  • Fudge says:

    Asalamualykum!i really congratulate you for being so upfront.as a medical proffessional it is sad that the general public attatch such stigma to this disease.it is managable.i pray that u find the coctail that wil help u.i have n there is hope.so dnt cut urself short.ther r so many famous ppl that suffered the same condition n where genious!uncover ur potential.stand proud n find ur support group.i hope u all the best!

  • YouGoGirl! says:

    AA sister. Thank you so much for this article. I am diagnosed with bipolar as well and 100% sure it’s not jinn. lol. I went through a period of time making restrictions for myself. Saying I’d never have kids.I didn’t grow up in a healthy environment myself, so I’m really turned off by it. But, life happens and I hear about people with bipolar having kids all the time. I def don’t want that right now, because I’m not confident in myself yet. I still have a long way to go in terms of acceptance and treatment. Plz don’t listen to the people who tell you you’re not muslim enough, or you’re possessed. This is so inspiring, I’m going through a rough time right now and I can’t tell you how much you helped me with sharing this. You and I have gone through the worst situations, If we got this far in life functioning, I think we’ll be able to handle any challenge that comes our way. Life is full of obstacles and the way you write makes me believe that you are so strong mA. God only gives you what you can handle even though sometimes it feels overwhelming. Stay strong, I’ll pray for you and you pray for me, too! (sorry if I sound preachy, but I’m not depressed yet lol)

    • Nabilah Safa says:

      Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad that this article was helpful. And you don’t sound preachy at all haha! Thank you for your prayers and I’ll keep you in mind as well

      • Tim Iversen says:

        Dear Nabilah
        I really do understand your situation. I have a mental condition similar to yours.
        I gather from your article, that you are a very intelligent young woman.
        I know, from many years of therapy, that intelligense is just about the only way through any mental disorder. It may still be difficult and at times unbearable for both you and I to manage the facets of life…but then again…it is much easier being as open minded and clever as you obviously are.

        May my prophet, Isa ibn Maryam…aka Jesus be with you
        Tim..from Denmark

  • shamma raza says:

    My heart and duas go out to you ♡ May Allah make everything easy and possible for you ♡

  • Concerned says:

    Salaam alaikum I would like to say that though your disorder could be purely pathological but one can not rule out the possibility of black magic. I have first hand experience some enemy has been playing dirty games with me and my family. At first I was naive but then it dawned on me. I would suggest you keep a protective islamic talisman with you at all times because when I don’t have it on me I tend to become highly agitated in a way not normal to me. May Allah subhan help you through

  • Nada says:

    Why is it so hard for someone to accept another because of a medical condition. Muslims tend to make harder by saying she doesn’t have enough faith. Religion has nothing to do with it. In this case this is a test from God in strong and patient she can be and not a lack of spirituality. In fact, because of what she is going through right now she is going to be stronger and be at a higher station when her time comes. Dear Lady, keep up your inner strength and keep your reliance on God and know there is a reason for everything. May you have peace and the may the blessings of God be upon you.

  • Another Brother says:

    Dear Sister,
    You are quite kind to reveal your illness to potential suitors. I wonder if this is common?
    When I got married, my then-rishta told me she prays 5 times a day. I learned after marriage she never prays, rarely fasts, and I often wonder if she is even Muslim, though she claims to be.

  • Depressed Sister says:

    As someone who suffers from clinical depression, I remember when I got diagnosed, I got similar reactions – “Your emaan is too low”. And I have also thought about not having kids, and people think it’s ridiculous. To be honest, searching for a groom makes me very anxious by itself. You are brave to even search for one. And I applaud you for writing an article despite the reactions of others. I could never be brave enough to do so. May Allaah make it easy on you. If you need someone to talk, I would love to. JazaakiAllaahu Khyran for this awesome insight!

  • south african muslimah says:

    I too suffer from mood swings…bipolar disorder. I hav a beautiful 20yr old daughter who doesn’t show signs of the disorder. She is a very caring well balanced person. Nutrition and daily exercise helped me to better deal with daily life. There is hope sister.surround yourself with Lots supporting family and friends and pray often. and believe there a partner out there waiting to meet you

  • Aziz says:

    Its very hard to be bipolar. My wife is bipolar and it really takes hell of patience to cope with it. When i had my son, the experience was so difficult that we decided not to have another baby. Sometimes I tell her that may be Allah will give jannah an exchange for your problem. You never know.
    May Allah cure you and give you a partner that will be the coolness of your eyes.

  • Latifa says:

    My mum has bipolar disorder, or should I say had… She got diagnosed as a teen and was manic and sectioned following my birth but she got better. She was euthymic for 12 years before she relapsed again, but she didn’t need sectioning… She got better. There are highs and lows but she gets better each time, as will you. Please don’t feel you shouldn’t have children. My mum is the most amazing person I know, and she is working, running a home, providing for us.. She got two daughters through medical school and is going to celebrate her 25th wedding anniversary next week. I pray you find your peace, and just remember everything you have experienced will just help you grow in to more of an amazing unique individual and one day your husband and children will love you all the more for it. You will be their inspiration, and they will be yours. Inshallah x

  • May Allah SWT grant this sister full shifa ameen! Sister, I don’t know if you have already looked into this, but high strength fish oils and a plant based diet really REALLY helps. I have suffered with depression for years and although not bipolar, I found that juicing vegetables and fruit, gets lots of sun, taking vitamin D and also high strength fish oils virtually obliterated my depression. Now when I do get episodes, they are so mild that alhamdulilah it’s so much easier to deal with. I sincerely make dua that Allah SWT cures you and that you find an amazing husband who accepts and loves you the way you are ameen!

  • Nadia says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately most communities still stigmatize mental health issues. By sharing you are bringing us all closer to destigmatizing mental illness. IA your future will be bright and fulfilling. Maybe you are doing this already, but if not, it may be helpful to write down the symptoms and behaviors that indicate you may be falling into a episode. Learn the warning signs (for you) so you can be proactive in responding.

  • Heidi says:

    This area is still culturally swept under the rug. It was incredibly interesting to me that when I lived in Jordan, no one talked about mental wellness except as a deficiency. Subhannahallah I would say in this country we were the same mentality in the 80’s But we grew, education and knowledge increased, and while that unfortunate ignorance still exists today, (which I am sad to hear what you have experienced) it is less prevalent.

    I would like to gently remind our Muslim brothers and sisters to kindly not judge as Allah is the only one who is all seeing and all knowing.

    There are still soooo many things the medical profession (let alone the average person) do not know about the human body, chemicals, and mind, that Allah created.

    Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (may peace and blessings be upon him) teach us to show compassion, to not judge, and to embrace our fellow sisters and brothers instead of pushing them away.

    Thank you for your candor and the courage to speak it. It is a rare and beautiful gift

  • mano582015 says:

    Dear Sister I do believe that mental diseases are like mental diseases curable even if it takes time but as you said you are amazing so why don’t you emphasis on that and on the good moral you have and who ever want marry you and be your life partner has to accept that and appreciate your honesty of telling him believe me you are a diamond in the world of dust many of people around us are demon and we don’t know about till we find out so raise your head up as someone special as allah made you .

  • Go Nabilah! You are stronger, braver, smarter and more beautiful than your diagnosis.

  • Saba Naz says:

    JazakAllah Nabilah for the brave post. Once upon a time I thought like you. But there is some differences between us.

    Before I accepted my bipolar diagnosis, I got married and then soon afterwards got divorces because of this disorder. After this, I started taking meds. It took me years to find the right cocktail. By then I was almost obese and shooting acne like a teenager. I had lost all hopes of marriage.

    Then sub han Allah I became a life coach, starting walking, blogging and did a half-marathon. Things started to get better. All this while, I kept searching for a mate and I can’t even count how many “nice” brothers said no simply because I had bipolar. When I would lose hope, my mom would say, how long did it take for Yusuf’s childhood dream to come true 🙂

    I started making husband hunting something on the side and a natural part of my life. I was going to school and blogging on mental health. I had a life ma sha Allah and that was my focus.

    Then, I was talking to a potential suitor and on our second encounter, I told him I had bipolar. I like to tell it early to save me time lol His response was “so?” Ma sha Allah

    We got married and now we have a beautiful girl. During pregnancy I went on the safest meds. There’s nothing 100% safe. But alhumdulillah she came out ok. About her having bipolar, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. My husband says, if she does have bipolar, she’ll have the best teacher ma sha Allah. I also live with extended family so they take care of her at night. So I don’t have total privacy but I do have the advantage of getting help whenever my moods become unstable.

    Please visit my support blog for Muslims with mental illnesses http://www.muslimbipolar.com You are never alone. Allah is with you and we all are.

  • Struggling says:

    Aw that struck a chord. 🙁 Insha Allah things turn out well for you. I can’t believe there are super ignorant people here who think you can be “cured” and that this is “Jinn possession” and that you “need to be optimistic.” Jinns are real, but possession is on a whole different level.

    I was diagnosed with bipolar since I was a teen. My mother has made it a point to remind me that I’m a monster. She has bipolar too, but she becomes physically violent and assaults us. When I have my lows, I lock myself up in my room and cry and have really sad thoughts.

    My family forced me to marry 10 years ago, and I got divorced a year later because my physically violent husband “didn’t want me” but now I’m wondering if my depression played a role.

    It’s so hard for people to understand any of the things I go through. My mother accuses me of “not praying” and things like that which makes me question religion… Having a hard time just trying to stay Muslim!

    Much love, I can totally relate, you’re not alone!

    • Nabilah Safa says:

      I’m very sorry to hear the struggles you have been through. Inshallah things will get better for you as well. I totally understand what you’re going through. It’s very hard to have faith sometimes during the darkest times. But inshallah you will get through it. Hugs!

  • Gamachu Uke says:

    Asalamualaikum wr wb brothers and sisters this was a good story i read today and i read the comments also and i see that lots and lots of people suffer from the same thing but you still need to search for a cure islamically and whats sad these days is we have lots of people who think they can help out with the jinn and try to recite on a person and try to take the jinns out but they can’t because they aren’t professionals and I’ve seen professionals but not in America and where i live people take money for the job but don’t finish the job well soo if you guys need help make sure you go to someone who studies the ruqya and is pious………at the same time for the sister who wrote this, Allah will bring that ease in-sha-allah….Jazakallahu khair for the story.

  • Amir says:

    Well I like hearing your confidence. With confidence in yourself and higher self esteem I think the disorder will be an oversight. I suggest you dont bring it up at the beginning. Only after there is a serious proposal and mutual interest.

    Also, I would like to hear more about your bipolar issues. I started an online community for muslims suffering with anxiety and mental disorder. I wiuld love for you to join us.

    http://www.educatedanxiety.com/community

    I myself have been suffering with anxiety disorder for many years. And I believe that all of it can be completely cured. Thats my vision.

    Your Brother
    -Amir

  • Aharon says:

    Asalaamu alaikum sister. Your post was forwarded to me by a sister who I considered marrying. She was a wonderful lady who, after I disclosed my being bipolar to, decided she couldn’t take the risk of marrying me. She had two children from her first marriage to the love of her life, her high school sweetheart, the man who brought her to Islam, who was also bipolar. He committed suicide. I understood completely why she was unwilling. Today I received the link to this post in an email.

    It pains me to know others suffer as I do. After years of heavy drug abuse, alcoholism, suicide attempts, prisons, shelters, homelessness, I finally got a grasp of my life, by surrendering to G-d. I went to college in 2005, where I met a lot of good Muslims. I’m a revert to Islam, since 2007, and don’t have Muslim family or many Muslim friends so I cannot fully understand yours or the struggles of others commenting in this post. However, I have the same thoughts regarding marriage and children that you’ve expressed here. I just don’t think it’s fair to create little people who will rely on me for consistency, love, stability, support, etc. How can I express love to a wife and kids when I can’t even promise I’ll be around at all?

    The whole jinn thing? Idk…maybe. someone told me once it sounds like a jinn is in love with me because of all the suicidal thoughts. None of that really matters much to me.

    Recently I purged myself of the remaining friends I had and left the country. I found even these relationships too difficult to mainrain as they require reciprocity – something I cannot give. I’ve been living pretty much in isolation in China of all places for the last two years. Today a friend messaged me saying how much she admires me. Traveling the world, experiencing cultures, “staying strong.” When, in reality all I’m doing is not dying it seems. It’s difficult to see myself as strong…especially when the very idea of having to live my life as a sine wave puts such horrible thoughts in my mind. My heroes are people who seem stable. Who aren’t running. Who can do things I’m incapable of. My sister has five children and is an amazing mother. She’s my hero.

    Despite everything, I am still here and continue to believe that I am alive because Allah has a plan for me. Whether that’s alone or with a family, Allah’s plan is most likely in motion. Sometimes I think my life is meant merely as a lesson to others. I believe however, that Allah forgives sick people. I have to.

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to throw up all over your post. Just thought I’d share.

  • Ahmed says:

    I identify with this post in some ways in that I have experienced the symptoms described though to a lesser degree. I never had to take medication, but then I do take a different approach here ( without belittling the medication route) , Alhamdulilla.

    I highly suggest anyone suffering bipolar disorder to recite Surah Al Baqarah once a day along with Surah Saffat. Blow on water after that and drink it.If you can’t recite yourself, then a close Mahram family member or female can do so if you find someone, hopefully while you are in their presence.

    It takes less than an hour once you are used to reciting the cited Surahs , iA.
    You have nothing to lose really by doing this – it brings me no material benefit and I am not trying to step and do this for you. For what it’s worth , it has worked wonders for me and I’m not really surprised given that it’s Quran that is being recited.

    You might initially feel great internal resistance to doing this , but fight through it and it will bear fruit iA. You will , for just an hour a day of effort , be cured eventually iA. I think you would see benefits very soon.

    I feel that the psychology of relying on medication soley is a hindrance , since ultimately healing is from God. No, I’m not saying at all that we shouldn’t consult medical opinion or take medication, but its also something we believe that no one can benefit anyone except by His permission.

    I understand that advice from a random internet guy has little credence, but I felt I should pass on this info anyway. Hope you are cured soon and I know you can be !

    • starsoul6 says:

      I agree and attest to the advice given above. I as a medical professional have studied the science and psychology behind these disorders, and then the Islamic perspective on the Cure. I would suggest everyone to attend a short course about jinn and the modus operandi of shaitan in the light of shariah and you will easily be able to see and distinguish the effect of negative forces on yourself ,for these beings exist, that is Haqq and Allaah has told us that the shaitan among them are our worst enemies.

      What do spiritual enemies do? They try their best to take control of your actions so that they can bring gloom and doom into our this life and afterlife..

      I have seen many people with Schizophrenic attacks, Bipolar, Panic disorder, multiple personality disorders and etc benefit tremendously and completely from applying the Ruqyah Cure regularly as given by Islam which they could never come close to, by medication alone. It is a cure duaa for all diseases including the diseases caused by jinn.

      Science at this point does not recognize ‘human soul’ as an entity hence names these disorders as ‘mental disorders’ , Islam says that emotional behavioural problems of extreme nature (without underlying medical illnesses) can arise from the heart and soul and can be cured with, and protected from, by a proper regular recitation of “Ruqyah shariah”; a spiritual healing compilation of authentic duaas from Quran and Sunnah.(along with protection methods including things that we must abstain from in order to prevent jinn entering and interfering in our lives.)

      Please go though this link and find information here,

      http://www.ruqya-qa.co.uk/science-ruqya/

      You can attend a detailed workshop on Jinn, Magic, evil eye and protection from them. This is a very important subject that we all must be well acquainted with.

      https://www.facebook.com/events/1426436010990917/

      And this is the recording of Ruqyah recitation, you can listen to it everyday, try to read it (with meaning) and never let go of it inshAllaah, you’ll recover by leaps and bounds.

  • gen says:

    Salam Nabilah, my father (Allah yarhamhu) was bipolar. While it was difficult at times, I am so glad and proud to have had him as my dad. He taught me to value my deen, to pray on time, to memorize Quran. He sent me to an Islamic school and was respected in our community. Everything good that has happened to me has been through him. And while he and my mom had a rocky relationship (she also has her own mental health issues) and I think back on my childhood with some grief, I think it would have been a tragedy if he had decided not to marry or have children because of his illness. There are plenty of people with mental illness and in my opinion it is not a reason to hold yourself back. You never know who you will end up becoming or who you will end up raising. Just stay on medication. I believe he went off of his medication and went into a manic state which led him to make some poor decisions that unfortunately ended in his untimely death. But he had high faith and it pains me to think that there are Muslims out there who believe they can never have a meaningful relationship with a spouse or their children because of it. It’s simply not true.

  • Bipolarmuslim says:

    Stop praying to be cured sister. Stop dreaming of an easy life for yourself. Embrace the highs and lows of bipolar. All you have to do is simply endure, drugs are not the cure, embrace the bipolar in you accept it and move on. You will always be different from others, in a good way. Medicine is not the cure it’s merely a bandage.

    I know some of what your going through, I have bipolar 2 myself and i’m a muslim however i’m a male around your age though. I’m nice, smart, and funny but I think Muslims are some of the worst people today in terms of accepting the bipolar, I cry knowing there’s muslims out there that won’t marry there daughter because the girl is bipolar. Whats even worse Muslim Pychiactric doctors are prejudiced against the bipolar. Muslims are losing their soul their spirit.

    Is marrying another muslim really the cure for the Manic Depressed?. I’m having doubts on marriage we look for the wrong qualities in a partner. I don’t really believe in marriage myself but I feel like I’m falling for you. I know you suffer but I don’t want you to hide. Let me be your Lithium, let me be your seroquel, let me be your Prozac, let me reconcile the violence in your heart. Let me exorcise the demons from your past. I want to recognize your beauties not just a mask. Just give me a chance and I will satisfy the undisclosed desire in your heart. I want to cry with you, hold your hand when you happy, hold your hand when your depressed. I want to tell you how much you mean to me everyday, how beautiful, how strong you are, how courageous, and how pious you are. I know you’ll probably reject me not cause you don’t love me but because your afraid you’ll cause me great emotional pain. Don’t be scared though, you are the one. Will you marry me Nabilah Safa?

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