On being gay and Muslim: Struggles, passions and hopes

Ever since I began trying to understand life, one of the crippling realizations about the Muslim communities I reached was this: we tend to bury our problems in a dark hole, dismiss them and hope they will never come back to haunt us. But they often do. We overlook many of our familial, social and cultural issues until they multiply and are about to explode in our faces; at that point we are notorious for pointing fingers and crying over spilled milk. Our room is filled with elephants that we barely have an inch to stand, yet we remain oblivious and hope things will get better.

Allow me today to describe one of those elephants. A strange elephant. Allow me to dissect it and hand it over to you, that you may ponder and hopefully open your heart and mind.

Let me start off by saying these three words: I am gay.

Even though you do not know who I am, and maybe the mere fact that I just came out to you right this instant may offend you, confuse you, or drive you away from reading the remainder of this article. Let me assure you, this is not one of those articles that tries to promote homosexuality or deliver an airbrushed and Islam-oriented version of all those pro-homosexuality arguments. Yes, I am gay and I am Muslim, and I am here to offer you a small glimpse into a journey of struggles, passions and hopes. I do not intend to delve into the story of Prophet Lut and his people, talk about the evolution and progression of the LGBT community during the past century, present arguments for or against same-sex relations, or even try to prove my own opinion. I really hope you can read and reflect, and I pray that this small effort of bringing the picture a little closer to you might make the slightest bit of difference in raising awareness, and hopefully open healthy discussions on the topic.

I wholeheartedly believe, in concordance with Islam and its teachings, that sodomy is a major sin. I am against same-sex marriage and intercourse, and I am not in favor of any progressive movements that attempt to explain Qur’anic verses about People of Lut or sodomy from a modernist or post-modernist approach – in other words, arguments that try to find a leeway and claim that that is a legitimate Islamic perspective. I hope that this will not drive away readers who are excited about the topic but may be uncomfortable with my statements. I have adopted this position after years of introspection, research, counseling and personal prayer, and I am coming forth today to share with you some of those experiences.

Homosexuality has been present in humanity for centuries, and for as long as it has been there, homosexuals have been struggling with themselves, their families and society at large. To me personally, there was always something different. I could feel it in me from a very young age. Something that I could not explain to others, because I thought they would not understand, let alone accept, or maybe because I was too young and immature at the time that I was not entirely sure what ‘it’ was. It crystallized around puberty; when all the raging hormones started kicking in, those tendencies became obvious. And then the real struggle began.

The struggle led to an explosion of questions. “Why am I different? Why am I not like the rest of my friends or family members? Is this even normal? Am I sick?” Not finding the proper answers, I kept on putting these questions aside. “Maybe it’ll go away. Maybe it’s just a phase.” In my case, it never went away and it was not a phase.

With time I learned that this is something abhorred religiously, culturally and socially. So I tried to adapt. “How do I balance between the feelings and tendencies I have with what my religion, culture and social norms dictate?” So I began a journey of self-exploration and interacting with others, learning from religion, media as well as prominent persons, like religious scholars and major social figures. My schemas kept changing and I kept on adapting.

Many of us may be brave enough to rebel against what others seem to ‘dictate’ on us, while others suppress their urges, often hiding their identities from those closest to them, generally out of fear, or maybe because they are not just ready to come out yet. I belong to the latter group. To this date, I have never had the courage to tell my parents or close family members, but I have come out to a close friend of mine a few months ago, and he was extremely supportive Alhamdulillah (all praises to Allah).

One of the most dangerous pitfalls I have personally experienced was thinking that God hated me. He was mad at me. “I must have done something wrong in my life to deserve this ‘punishment’… If God does not accept homosexuality, then why am I a homosexual?” Whether Muslim or not, people struggling in silence can be more prone to deviating to dangerous paths. So you find many struggling homosexuals also dealing with bullying, drinking problems, substance abuse, domestic violence, poor academic performance, career problems, pornography or sex addictions, sexually-transmitted diseases, mood disorders like depression and anxiety, and many other issues.1 I had my own share of bullying, academic problems and mood disorders. Our struggles multiply with time, and many even contemplate suicide.

This is especially true in cases where the individual tries to discuss the issue – often it is just those desires or thoughts that are tackled, not the actual act – with his/her parents or family members who are not receptive to those ideas. If not shown sympathy, care and love, he/she is often shunned, harassed, scorned and sometimes even tortured. A lot of gay men and women are forced into arranged marriages, taken to local Imams to ‘heal them from their calamity and wrath of God’, or even killed.2 Some of them take their own lives by themselves. Others live in constant torment while some flee their homes and families in search for a more welcoming environment. That and many have not even yet engaged in any sexual acts whatsoever.

This is why I, along with many fellow homosexual Muslims, find the Western alternative very striking: it offers acceptance and understanding. Things that we dearly miss in our communities, even though we may realize deep down that there is something terribly wrong, the fact that there is someone who accepts us and fights for us and not against us is incredibly more appealing. When we try to talk to other Muslim seemingly-pious and God-conscious brothers and sisters about our sexuality, and are shunned by their lack of empathy, respect and understanding, would you find it surprising that we take comfort in talking to non-religious people about our struggles in hopes to find an open mind and a loving heart? Ironically, the spirit of Islam is all about empathy, tolerance and understanding, yet the practice of Islam carried out by many Muslims shows the opposite.

Trust me, I understand that it is a difficult topic to open up with others, especially people coming from conservative backgrounds. It is difficult news for you to receive, just as it is difficult for me to handle, let alone share with others. However, the fact that I choose to come out to specific people means that those people are exceptionally special to me. To us. It takes a lot of courage, incredible determination and a full dose of anxiety and fear to even think about coming out to someone, that you can imagine the damage we have to endure when the other person dismisses us or shows no empathy or mercy. It seems like a lot to handle if you ask me.

I remember the first time I decided to come out to someone, I was going through an overwhelming period in my life, yet Alhamdulillah I had some seeds of piety and religiosity inside me. I was around 18, and he was a non-religious psychologist and counselor. I went to an appointment with him, tried to beat around the bush but ultimately came out to him. And he was accepting. Later on, I found out that many struggling homosexuals came to him for advice and counseling. I was hoping that, with the aid of therapy, my orientation would change – this is scientifically known as reparative or conversion therapy; while many studies have been conducted on it and some patients have reported success, a great number of psychiatrists and counselors have reported failure and more harm done to the patients than good. The progress of my visits culminated in him putting forward the idea of accepting who I am and going all the way with it – in other words, experience my entire sexuality without restraints. At that point I was really uncomfortable with his proposal as it was against my Islamic beliefs and my own virtues.

During that same period, I was doing my own reading and researching, trying to find a proper Islamic ‘solution’, crying for help and praying that I be guided to what Allah pleases. One of the most heartwarming responses was given by a psychiatrist who also has profound knowledge of Islamic shari’ah (legal rulings). He was hosted on a TV show, and he was speaking so graciously, so open-mindedly, that his words hit the right chord and I was immediately awe-struck. I cried after finally having found an answer with which my heart felt ease. And that was pure bliss, Alhamdulillah.

The gist of the talk is the following: homosexuality as an orientation is a disorder in one’s fitrah (human nature and disposition). ‘Treatment’ of such a disorder involves therapy, familial and social support, personal discipline and a whole lot of other things. However, this therapy, which is tailored on a case-by-case basis, may or may not work. The mode of therapy is different between individuals, just like every case of homosexuality is different between people. Mind you, the term ‘therapy’ here is used loosely to mean dealing with the issue from different aspects rather than reverting one’s sexual orientation.

If many of us, homosexuals, dive deeper into our childhood and upbringing, we can pinpoint certain events that have taken their toll on us one way or another. Many of us have experienced child abuse, be it sexual, physical or intense emotional abuse that was brutally damaging to our body and soul, or lived in dysfunctional families that ultimately caused a lot of psychological damage.3 I for one had my own share of psychological and sexual abuse as a child from people closest to me, and witnessed intense domestic violence that crippled my mind for a decent period of time. Such events were incredibly powerful that they became ingrained in my psyche and took their toll on my thinking and behavior.

Others have been desensitized to issues related to sexuality and gender roles from a young age, that their perception of masculinity and femininity is quite erroneous. I can recall several stories of struggling homosexuals I know who grew up in homes where one parent was more dominant in their life (e.g. present most of the time while the other was absent, provided greater emotional, psychological and social support while the other did the exact the opposite), such that either parent’s gender became more dominant on their lives and personas, and hence their perception of gender and sexuality deviated from the normal.

It is worth noting, however, that many people grow up in normal environments with no such issues during childhood, yet end up finding themselves attracted to the same gender. So there is no discrete thumb rule or cause as to whether someone will end up identifying as a homosexual or a heterosexual. It is not a simple black or white situation.

In addition to the above, it has been asserted that there are other acquired causes – we are bombarded on a daily basis with sensual and sexually-explicit material, from billboards, magazines and newspaper articles, to online material on social media websites. Sex and sexuality are heavily emphasized in TV shows, readings and discussions, whether openly or not. We have become accustomed to seeing semi-naked and naked bodies, our concepts of beauty, femininity and masculinity have radically evolved over time and we have become desensitized to these matters.4 There is an unbelievable amount of time and resources spent on creating better bodies: muscular, dreamy and good-looking men, and gorgeous women with ‘perfect’ facial and body features. In addition, many of the inter- and intra-gender boundaries have drastically changed over time. Taken together, these matters overwhelm the human mind, and the effects are undoubtedly palpable.

Again, these and countless other events affect people’s heart, mind, body and spirit differently. People struggle to cope in different ways. Some people, like myself and countless others, may eventually find themselves with a specific worldview, having had a culmination of experiences, as well as a specific orientation that may or may not be modifiable. Just like these examples are struggles in and of themselves, homosexual thoughts and tendencies are no less than struggles as well.

When I see married men and women sharing affection, enjoying companionship and raising children, it hurts. A lot. Not the jealous I-hope-they-lose-all-that kind, but the painful realization that this is not something I can ever attain. Because of my situation, my ibtila’ (struggle in life), the idea of marrying someone from the opposite sex is not practical at all or even fair for me or my potential spouse. Many shuyukh advice homosexuals to get married for their tendencies to dissolve; while this may work with a handful of people, a large number of us does not find it physically or mentally plausible. Many of the things other people, including those shuyukh themselves, take for granted – like relationships, marriage and having children – are the exact things we struggle with day in and day out. Personally, and unlike Muslim heterosexuals, I do not have safe and lawful options through which I can channel and fulfill those desires. Therefore, I try my best to remain steadfast and struggle for the sake of Allah. If that is not incredible Jihad, I do not know what counts as such.

While it may seem unfair and even preposterous to some people to keep struggling and not fulfill our desires, especially in this time and age, that is where the beauty lies. Within Islam, we are not held accountable for our thoughts, feelings, desires and tendencies as long as we do not act upon them. There are three ideas worth mentioning here. Firstly, Allah has promised in the Qur’an that He “does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity” [2:286]. Taken in line with Islamic teachings, this means that Allah knows how painful my struggle is and knows that I can handle it. Every time I ponder upon this idea, I am overwhelmed with incredible awe and gratitude. Of all people across centuries, He has chosen specific people for this particular test. Indeed, life is nothing but a few years and the True Life is in the Hereafter, so no matter how agonizing the struggle is, there will be an end to it.

Secondly, there is immense reward and unimaginable blessings, both in this life and the Hereafter, by staying true to God’s decree and struggling for His sake. The more the struggle, the more the rewards insha’ Allah (God willing). Lastly, and just like the popular saying goes, “when God closes one door, He opens another.” So if issues like intimacy and procreation may seem like dead ends for Muslim homosexuals, we find openings in other aspects of life. Many homosexuals across history have been known for incredible gifts in writing, public speaking, music, cinema, scientific discoveries, literature and art.5 Studies have reported that homosexuals exhibit high levels of empathy and compassion compared to heterosexuals.6 Because we have suffered and are constantly struggling, we have big hearts that know no boundaries. If we utilize our God-given gifts wisely and for the greater good, we can do wonders insha’ Allah.

Of course there are Muslim homosexuals and pro-gay rights advocates who adopt a completely different perspective. Some try to balance between their religious duties while keeping in line with their orientation; in other words, they carry out their desires yet remain true to their duties. Others denounce Islamic rules altogether arguing that in modern times, such rules do not apply, hence they call for a reformation in Islamic laws taken for granted as solid foundations of religion. Others are still struggling between balancing Islamic law and their own sexuality, searching for answers that provide them with ultimate satisfaction.

I am in no way trying to prove myself right and others wrong. This article is solely intended to highlight some of the struggles I go through as a Muslim homosexual, and I have taken the liberty at some points to speak on behalf of fellow struggling homosexuals because of our shared tribulations. Whatever your position is on this matter, I respect you and love you as a human being, your desires are legitimate and in no way make you less of a human being. However, based on my beliefs, I do not accept specific actions that you may do which go against Islamic law. And there again, you are no less of a human being and I still respect you as an individual. This falls at the heart of Islam – if someone like me who is struggling with his/her own desires can adopt such a stance, then so can everyone else. Maybe if we focus less on demonizing other people and concentrate more on helping one another, things would start to change for the best.

If you are a homosexual reading this, please know that my heart is with you. I of all people understand the daily struggles you are going through, and I salute your bravery and high spirit. Please remember that Allah is Merciful and Forgiving, no matter how much people tell you otherwise. Stay strong, and if you ever fall into the traps of Shaytan, repent to the Almighty with a pure heart and know that He accepts and welcomes the sincere. Pray to remain steadfast. Fasting is a powerful weapon so try your best to fast regularly. Also, try to do sports and channel your energy in healthy ways. Surround yourself with good company of pious people, and keep daily companionship of His Book. Pursue a higher purpose in life, for you are already on a high track. Trust me, I understand that the struggles may reach excruciating levels – it is at those moments that our inner cores are tested. Make your struggles entirely for His sake, and they will be worth it. You will come out stronger and braver than before. With today’s explosion of sexuality and acceptance of same-sex relations, do not swallow the bait. Keep yourself in company of Him for that is all that ultimately matters.

If you are a heterosexual reading this, and assuming you may be uncomfortable with such a topic, I understand that this may be overwhelming for you at first glance. Take it easy on yourself, and certainly take it easy on others. We all have our own struggles, so let us make this journey we call life a little bit less difficult for one another. Let us shift our focus from pointing out each other’s faults and instead work together for more empathy, compassion and love. There is a difference between respecting someone and accepting his/her actions; the former must be there at all times. If we disagree or have different lifestyles, and certainly if we make mistakes, please do not judge us. Bear with us. Listen to us, be there for us, for if you ever need us we will be there for you.

Even though we may not get the chance to experience what it means to have a spouse, be intimate or even raise a family in this life, I pray that Allah accepts our struggles for His sake and fulfill our desires in the Hereafter. Yes I am a gay Muslim, and I am proud – proud that Allah has chosen me and many other brothers and sisters for this particular struggle in this life. And for that, and for all His countless blessings we say, Alhamdulillah.

“I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you… I love you. With all my heart, I love you.”
(V for Vendetta)

1. Lee, R. (2000). Health care problems of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender patients. Western Journal of Medicine, 172(6), 403–408.
2. Kesvani, H. (2015, April 18). Meet The Gay Muslims Living In Straight Marriages. http://www.buzzfeed.com/husseinkesvani/gay-muslims-in-straight-marriages
3. Schneeberger, A. R., Dietl, M. F., Muenzenmaier, K. H., Huber, C. G., & Lang, U. E. (2014). Stressful childhood experiences and health outcomes in sexual minority populations: a systematic review. Social psychiatry and psychiatric epidemiology, 49(9), 1427-1445.
4. Qadhi, Y. (2009, April 13). Dealing With Homosexual Urges: Yasir Qadhi to Muslim Student. http://muslimmatters.org/2009/04/13/dealing-with-homosexual-urges/
5. Rictor Norton (compiler), “The Great Queers of History, Part 1: Born before 1800″, 1 May 2004 <http://rictornorton.co.uk/greatgay/greatgay.htm>.
6. Salais, D. A., & Fischer, R. B. (1995). Sexual preference and altruism. Journal of Homosexuality, 28(1-2), 185-196.

Waheed Jensen is a Muslim male in his mid 20’s, struggling in this world with being young, open-minded and gay, trapped in a global community of Muslims who claim to follow Islam but lack the application of its most basic tenets. Working to make the world a better place for Muslims and non-Muslims alike. This piece was previously published at VirtualMosque.com.

 

Photo Credit.

34 Comments

  • UmmHamza says:

    Thank you for sharing this. What a struggle you live with. I am glad to see that you are doing your best to live within the limits Allah has given us and I hope this article will spark some healthy discussions amongst Muslims in their families, masjids, and communities. May Allah bless you and make things easy for you.

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Ameen, thank you UmmHamza for your comment and duaas. May Allah make it easier for all of us insha’ Allah. I truly hope more discussions on the topic would open up on Islamic forums, in masjids, and between families and communities. This is a start..

  • Mid west says:

    I like way you described it. It is indeed a struggle. I hope Allah makes thing easy for you. I absolutely understand your pain and struggle as I am one. You are definitely taking the higher path. I admire you.

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Thank you Mid West! May God make things easier for all of us.
      Wow, I’m actually excited because this is the first ever time I talk to someone who’s going through the same trials AND agrees with me. It’s either one or the other but not both combined. How have your experiences been so far? Would love to hear more from you, please do share whenever possible. God bless you 🙂

  • Alhamdulillah. Allahu akbar.

  • J Raj Bali says:

    Wow…as a gay Hindu I just feel so terrible for you having been conditioned towards a self-hating ideology. Basically more of the typical Mormon, Jehovan, Catholic…well basically almost every Abrahamic faith that “it’s ok, God made you to be gay so you could control yourself and not act”…which from a Hindu perspective is sad and completely diametric from our world view. I wish, as one gay person to another, I could offer you some solace on your journey but unfortunately my Gods tell me to love others as I love myself and to literally see that the universal “It” exists at the center of everything. Sucks that your guys ideologies are so hateful…

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Thank you for your comment Mr Bali.
      I do not see how this article hints towards any “self-hating ideology”. Would you kindly elaborate more on your idea?
      Just like your Hindu faith, our Islamic faith (and so do other Abrahamic faiths) orders us to love others and wish for them what we wish for ourselves. Our faith and beliefs are not hateful; on the contrary, they are full of love, passion and respect for ourselves and one another. It just seems that my test in life is different from many others’ tests, and this is in no way a contradiction to the Godly mercy or love permeating all aspects of life in His creation and orders. This life is short, it is full of obstacles and tests that are put here for us to test our strength, courage and endurance. The Afterlife is what matters after all.
      This article is a reflection of years of growth, and it is a continuous process so I am still learning and adapting every day. I am in no way imposing my beliefs on other people, whether they are Muslims or not.

      • Rabs says:

        Wow, this article is exactly what I have been looking for! All my views bundled up into one in this article. I too have this same struggle and the same views. Deen over dunya (worldly), and this struggle is just dunya (worldly). Is there any way I could contact you through email? I would love to talk about this more with you. I know it’s a slightly older thread going here, but if you do take notice of this, please contact me inshaAllah! May Allah reward you and I hope you are well today.

        • Waheed Jensen says:

          I am very glad you enjoyed this article! Alhamdulillah 🙂
          Feel free to e-mail me anytime on: waheedjensen(AT)gmail.com

  • Layal hayali says:

    Mashaallah. You articulated yourself and your struggle so comprehensible. I have personally never met a muslim homosexual nevertheless by taking myself in the situation of one, I thought like you. But in reality, you are the chosen one for such a big struggle in which Allah will never fails you and let you alone.
    I am married and have my own struggle in my marriage so that I sometimes think that I could better pour my energy into higher purposes.. but I can’t. You can! You will! May Allah bless you with all good in this and in the next life!

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Ameen! Thank you very much sister, I truly appreciate your kind words. Jazakom Allah khairan. May Allah use us for good in this life inshaAllah to the best of our individual abilities.

  • shamsizaya says:

    Dear Waheed Jenson. I cannot thank you enough for sharing so eloquently your views and experiences. Mashallah profound and moving. This is I feel one of the best articles and sharing of genuin experiences I’ve read, hands down. Your honesty and your journey – which sadly for those majority who believe the for the lie of “normal” never end up taking as they may feel they “tick all the boxes” of society or religion. I adore you and have the deepest of respect for you. I truly believe you are a person of paradise and I’m honoured to have read your words. I had a thought regarding a means (I’m sure you have thought of but perhaps can explain more about) based on my own rather different experiences but none the less wondered if it may be of help.
    But I pray you – if it is something you desire first or feel you can work towards – enjoy a (halal) loving caring intimate relationship where you are fulfilled with the joy of sharing yourself with another. As I think someone of your high caliber deserves to be loved in that way and treasured deeply.
    My question was I agree re it’s not simple to get married etc. And yes to would be a burden in a normal arranged way etc. But would the deeper gifts of relationships/marriage based on genuine sharing heart mind companionship understanding and acceptance and support in ones life journey – not be something you may have thought about, working inside out as it were. An honest real friendship and mutual plantonic respect and love and building to a deep relationship that then becomes more than that? As much as its the forms and the gender the people look at im sure you acknowledge sex and desire are deeper than the forms they inhabit. Family children and a halal marital life may be something not totally out of reach perhaps? (Please note marriage int absolute. If you found someone understanding and lived and respected them enough to both try. If it didn’t. It wouldn’t. But it couldn’t be something that both work towards and with full awareness and love and respect. Allah must have made you a companion. You’re heart is too beautiful!) I’m not dictating rather a genuine thought. If somone could be intimate with your soul, heart, mind then would/could this not lead to on a physical level also? It would take a very deep and profound connection and time. No pressure. Absolute honesty and acceptance. But perhaps there may be more like minded people. Perhaps someone who is female and having similar struggles? As well as having the same point of view in life and islamically? I hope you get where I am coming from.
    My dear brother in humanity and faith. You beautify my faith as it had people like you. How great Allah is – His light shines though you indeed! Thank Allah you and thank you for sharing! So much to think about! Jzkallahukhaikran

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Jazakom Allah khairan sister for your kind and genuine reply, I really appreciate your words. I have in fact considered what you have discussed above.. It is a possibility for sure, we just have to see how things turn out. Take it as it comes, whatever Allah has planned for us shall be inshaAllah. May Allah guide us all to the Right Path. Amen 🙂

  • Sherry Khan says:

    Thoughtful and beautifully written. Your honesty touched me to the core. “Therefore, I try my best to remain steadfast and struggle for the sake of Allah. If that is not incredible Jihad, I do not know what counts as such.” This is a true expression of tawakkul. May Allah bless and reward you for your this.
    Jazak Allah khairan for sharing.

  • Jdub says:

    I get where you are coming from although I do not have the same struggle. As a practicing Jehovah’s Witness we have very similar beliefs. Jehovah does not hate the person but only hates wrongdoing up to and including homosexuality. That said I’m sure it must be an aweful struggle but you are doing the right thing by staying faithful to God and not giving in to your passion and selfish desires. The apostle Paul taught if you can make room for singleness it is a gift but if you are overcome by passion it would be better to marry although the single person can serve Jehovah more completely because their worship would not be divided up between family and service to him. Only differwnce I see is that God does not try and cannot be tried. He only allows us to be tested as to our faith by Satan. With our remaining faithful through such tests we work out our salvation! Stay strong and don’t give way to satans traps especially when your at your weakest point because that’s when he tries is the most but also as Paul said that’s when we are our strongest because we rely totally on God!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Indeed!! Thank you so much for your comment and supportive words, I truly appreciate them. May God bless you wherever you are my friend. May God keep us steadfast and guide us to the Right Path. Amen. 🙂

  • Noor says:

    Dear Waheed,
    Allah SWT created you. He has sent us wisdom in the Holy Qur’an that there is no fault to be found in His creation (al-Mulk 67:3). I don’t think you are some mistake or aberration. Only Allah SWT knows why He created homosexuals but He did and He created the universe in wisdom. If we don’t understand something, it doesn’t mean that we should deny it or denigrate it. We are all human beings created by one Creator, the Most Merciful, the Most Beneficent. He willed your existence. You are here for a purpose.
    Thank you for taking the risk to speak honestly and openly about one of the most intimate aspects of your personal life. It must have taken great courage.

  • meems says:

    Salaam Waheed, I was hoping I could ask you more questions regarding your post. Please email me at mquadri23@gmail.com

  • uman886 says:

    Asalamualaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh dear brother, I think your article was great, it gave me a better perspective on understanding what gays go through. Having said that, have you ever tried solving it spiritually that is viewing it as a spiritual problem maybe, since you were abused as a child, perhaps using ruqyah. Dear brother in islam, you are not gay, Allah(swt) didn’t create you to be gay, but to have a spouse to love, islam and the word gay don’t go together, so don’t give room to that. You are a heterosexual, and I want you to always have that in your mind, pray tahhajjud, cry to Allah(swt). We all have our own struggle, but may Almighty Allah grant u victory. You don’t engage in sexual acts with men, so no need calling yourself gay, all is in the desire MashaAllah. Please I would pray for you too in Shaa Allah, but please know you in Shaa Allah would win this battle, and you would have a beautiful wife and lovely kids, and all of you in Shaa Allah would holla at me. Don’t say I am gay, say I am a muslim man looking for my beautiful queen. May Almighty Allah bless you, may Almighty Allah grant u victory and make you a success story for others to know they can win this. I know your article was to help create awareness, and in some journey, you need not walk alone, but they may be a sister out there who would be willing to stand by you, and help you through it. Pls, start planning towards marrying, look for a good lady who in Shaa Allah would support you through it. Best wishes!!!
    Please pray for me too. Masalam Dear brother!!!

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Thank you very much Uman for your kind and sincere words and prayers. Likewise and more to you InshaAllah. God bless you. 🙂
      I’d say my understanding of this struggle is evolving with time, and you are right. I am not “gay” per se (meaning it shouldn’t be an identity of some sort) but I’m someone who has same-sex attractions and struggling to find peace with my situation, constantly evolving and trying to find the truth when it comes to me and people like me struggling on the same path.

  • Shehnaz Khan says:

    May Allah SWT grant you the highest level of Jannah. You put my own different struggles to shame and I’m so glad I came across this amazing article. Our Ummah NEEDS this type of education and should work to serve those amongst us that struggle with their homosexuality and try to be good Muslims at the same time. You’re an absolute inspiration and inshAllah I pray that Allah SWT eases your struggle and blesses you with unconditional happiness in both this life and the next.

  • Salaam alailum Brother Waheed,
    I pray you are well inshaaAllah. Thank you for the beautiful article.
    I just wanted to say that you are not alone and I am also on the same path as you alhamdulilah. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time and over the last several years with His help I am at peace with the situation. It was pretty clear to me from the beginning what the Islamic advice about chastity was and so engaging in it was never an option. But I struggled to find like-minded people – it was either the traditional community who would condemn but then not offer anything else of practical value -who can blame them though, they didn’t know any better. The alternatives were the ‘other’ community who essentially were asking me to give up on Allah SWT’s advice for a safe life by sugar-coating it in a ‘be true to yourself’ – bless them though, they meant well and their heart was in the right place to offer love and support and encouragement. They offered the only answer they knew. It wasn’t their fault.
    A lot of growth and healing and progression came from developing a relationship with Him (something that I think would never have happened if I hadn’t been in this situation in the first place – and for that I am truly thankful to Him – maybe this was the purpose of all this. And I’m sure this is something that you can relate to having been through it yourself). Reading a decent translation of the Quran that I could actually understand (“Thee, Thy, Doth”…I’ve got no time for all that) and understanding the words and actions in the prayers gives me strength every day – a mini me’raj each time. Days sitting around thinking “why did You create me, You don’t need my worship, You don’t benefit from all this…why do we all have different lives and experiences…why do some appear to suffer and others do not?” He SWT always comes through with an answer. The purpose of all this is Him, our relationship with Him, our realisation of Him – and the perfection and bliss that develops within us as a result. It truly is all about Him bestowing joy/mercy on us on a journey best suited to enable that to happen. It couldn’t have happened in the Garden – we needed the contrast to appreciate Him – but the resulting bliss will take us back there, God willing.
    Seeking His help and looking at the forbearance in the lives of His chosen representatives have been my Rope. Walking away from confusing friendships, avoiding shaming media and trying to tackle my private addictions head on enabled this closeness with Him to develop. He has helped me every step of the way – pulling me back to Him. There are days when He’s filled me with bliss that I’d never swap this whole experience for anything in fear that I’d lose it. But there are also days of regret – of many wasted years indulging in things that were harmful for me – a better life that I could have lived but didn’t and now I live with the consequences of a wasted youth. There’s still time though I guess (if He wills it).
    A lot of healing came from looking into the psychological causes – some say this is controversial and baseless but for me it definitely struck a chord. Looking underneath the surface attraction to understand the core reason. Realising that behaviors I then engaged in might have embedded and fueled the addiction. Looking at the core issue which (for me at least) was something as perfectly natural and innocent as a boy looking for perfect male role models to show him how to complete his growth into a man in himself. I pray no one ever has to go through this…but if they do I pray they find Him in the process, it’ll all be worth it. As the grandson of the Holy Prophet (saws) said “as long as we are on the path of truth, what else matters?” “If you found God, what did you lose?”.
    Peace brother.

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Wa alaikom assalam dear brother! Thank you for your heartwarming comment, mashaAllah quite a mature and well-rounded take on the issue. Indeed, it is all a blessing if we truly dissect it and observe it from several angles – it is ultimately our relationship with Him. My SSAs have given me a path to Him that I wouldn’t have found otherwise, alhamdulillah. The sweet irony if you will. And indeed, we all go through ups and downs. God knows how many years I’ve wasted on my own indulgences that I wish I’d have spent more productively. But it’s all part of the learning process. It’s all part of this path that we have to go through, reaping unique experiences that bring us closer to Him and that offer us with fresh perspectives to share with the world, especially fellow strugglers. I wholeheartedly agree with looking at the psychological causes of this – by dissecting layers upon layers of anxiety, self-loathing and depression revealed to me a history of abuse and personal trauma. Healing takes time but it is definitely worth it, and it opens your eyes to many realities behind our SSAs. You are absolutely right my friend.
      If you ever feel like discussing things in more detail, please e-mail me via waheedjensen@gmail.com
      I’d love to talk more and share experiences. God bless you brother 🙂

  • Mohamed says:

    I couldn’t hold my tears reading this, I just want to hug you and tell you that I love you for the sake of Allah, you are going through all this on your own and I thought my life was hard I am ashamed of myself. May Allah protect you from all harm my brother thanks for educating me on homosexuality I look at it differently now because of your well written article❤️❤️❤️❤️ Man you got me all 😭

    • Waheed Jensen says:

      Thank you Mohamed! Virtual hug received my friend 🙂
      Please don’t feel ashamed, we all have our own struggles that we go through, only God knows what each heart is enduring in this life.. God bless you brother for your thoughtful comment!

  • Shehla says:

    Your article was such an inspiration for me. I can’t even begin to imagine your struggles. What is most inspiring about you is your love for Allah(SWT)! You have given up what you wanted for the sake of Allah. I have struggles of my own, different from yours but nonetheless go through a sort of self infliction caused by bullying from childhood. It’s. A struggle to “lift” myself up each day. After reading your article, it feels fine to struggle alongside sorrow, because it means we’re chasing after what is better for us; physically, mentally, and emotionally. May Allah reward you for sharing your story and inspiring others to be good muslims. May Allah ease your pain/struggle; it makes us stronger individuals. We need more awareness in our communities of problems related to bullying, homosexuality, drugs, and alcohol, instead of brushing it under the rug. Thank you for your article!

  • Shah Saud says:

    I have left an email, I would be grateful for a reply!

Leave a Reply